Monday, December 19, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
A Short Farewell
OK, so I know this post is long over due, but I have definitely been enjoying the wonderful down time I have had since being back in The States.
I first planned to post another very long entry detailing the many things I have learned and everything that God has shown me through my trip. For right now, I am just going to share a few verses that embody a little bit about what I have learned and give a simple summary of this summer.
Forgiveness:
“If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil." -Luke 6:23-35
Answering the call:
"But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God" -Acts 20:24
Working for the Lord:
"Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ." —Colossians 3:23-24
Relying on God COMPLETELY:
"I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." -John 15:5
God taught me so much about forgiveness and what it truly looks like to serve Him in a way that brings Him glory. Before I left, I was so caught up in my own way of doing things that I so rarely leaned on the Lord for His strength. He had to continually remind me that apart from Him I am nothing and I can do nothing.
I hope that everyone who kept up with my blog enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I pray that I will never lose what God taught me during my time in Guatemala, and I know that it will always hold a very special place in my heart.
I first planned to post another very long entry detailing the many things I have learned and everything that God has shown me through my trip. For right now, I am just going to share a few verses that embody a little bit about what I have learned and give a simple summary of this summer.
Forgiveness:
“If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil." -Luke 6:23-35
Answering the call:
"But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God" -Acts 20:24
Working for the Lord:
"Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ." —Colossians 3:23-24
Relying on God COMPLETELY:
"I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." -John 15:5
God taught me so much about forgiveness and what it truly looks like to serve Him in a way that brings Him glory. Before I left, I was so caught up in my own way of doing things that I so rarely leaned on the Lord for His strength. He had to continually remind me that apart from Him I am nothing and I can do nothing.
I hope that everyone who kept up with my blog enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I pray that I will never lose what God taught me during my time in Guatemala, and I know that it will always hold a very special place in my heart.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Final Goodbyes
It has been way too long since I posted a blog! Sorry for those of you who have been keeping up that it has been so long! Unfortunately, this will be one of my last entries because I leave The Oasis tomorrow morning and fly home to Texas on Sunday. (Bear with me, because this will probably be my longest post yet, so get ready!)
To say that I am excited is an understatement. I miss my parents, my sister, my friends, my boyfriend, my own bed, and so many other things! There are also those little things about The States that I will be so happy to come back to, like actually throwing my toilet paper in the toilet and not being afraid to drink water from the faucet, or brush my teeth for that matter.
But of course, as much as I am looking forward to those things, saying goodbye is going to be one of the hardest things in the world for me. My last post detailed the opportunity I had to spend time with my dear friend, Emma, and this week God has continued to allow me opportunities to be there for her. A few days ago she called me into her room and said she had something for me. She gave me a little stuffed lamb and a picture of her with a note on the back that just about made me ball! I have already shed tears over having to say goodbye, especially to her, and I am hoping I can just hold it together until I leave.
The last few days have actually been quite the adventure. All of our Tías left for a House Parent Retreat so I, along with the 3 other interns here, had the lovely task of being substitute Tías for each of our houses. My house is Casa Naranja, and I have 11 girls. 8 of those 11 girls are all under the age of 12, and I had quite the experience. To be perfectly honest, I have never been more exhausted or more frustrated in my life. One of the hardest things for me to come to terms with while I have been here is that while, for the most part, all of these girls seem so happy and well-adjusted when you first meet them, there is not a single girl (at least in my house) who doesn’t struggle with some sort of anger issues.
Based on their pasts and the horrific things that these girls were put through at such young ages I completely understand why they have these issues and why they choose to act out so much. Having to deal with those experiences would make me angry too. Just hearing some of their stories makes my blood boil.
When I first got here, I talked with a CAM missionary who said something that took by complete surprise, and I really didn’t understand it initially. He told me that a lot of these girls can be pretty hard to love sometimes. I will admit, in my first few weeks here, I thought he was crazy for saying that. They were all so sweet to me. How could they be hard to love? After living here for 2 months and especially after covering the house for my Tías for 3 days, I understand what he meant.
Everyone who comes on a mission trip will have preconceived notions; it´s our human nature. My preconceived notions were that I would come into The Oasis, and all of the girls would be so willing to listen to the Gospel and respect what I had to say and everything was going to be just great. While I knew they would have deep issues to deal with from their past, I thought that they would be SO willing to listen. What I found after being here was the truth of what this missionary said: sometimes they really are hard to love. When you have to watch out for 11 girls, and at least 4of them at any given time are either a) screaming in your face b) outright disobeying/lying to you or c) simply not listening, extending love isn’t the easiest thing in the world.
I would never want to imply that I do not love these girls, because I have more love for each of them than I ever thought I could. They have taken a small piece of my heart that will always stay here in Guatemala. That is why it is going to be so hard to leave. On the other hand, I cannot lie and say that I worked with complete angels 24/7 during my time here. I am sure there were times when I was a kid that my parents were ready to pull their hair (with the exception of my Dad haha!) out because of my disobedience. It’s not that there was ever any point that they did not love me, but extending grace to me was probably not easy. This was just one of the MANY times during this trip that God chose to teach me something about forgiveness, grace, and love. During my “Tía-ing” two verses kept popping into my head as I was about ready to pull my hair out so many times:
“For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person – though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die – but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” -Romans 5:6-8
and
¨If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same” -Luke 6:32
I think these are pretty self-explanatory. In order to save me God not only died, but willingly spilled all of His blood and was executed in one of the most horrific ways in human history; knowing that I would consciously and willingly disobey and sin against Him. Knowing that, and completely understanding that I am the chief of sinners, God has called me to the same type of love, grace, and forgiveness. While that doesn’t make it easier to extend grace, it makes it that much more apparent that I have to lean on God to work that out in my heart. My human nature, which came out several times during the past few days, would have rather just yelled at the girls instead of teaching them obedience in a way that showed them love.
As I think back on my experiences over the last 2 months, I see how God used this experience to teach me and grow me so much. When I get back to the States after my debriefing in Dallas and MUCH needed time with family and friends, I will be so excited to reflect and share all of the things that He showed me because there are a LOT!
I have a feeling this might be my last post while in Guatemala. To those of you who have supported me, either financially, through prayer, with much needed words of encouragement, or a combination of the three, I cannot thank you enough. God has provided for me a HUGE support system that I have been amazed by. All of the emails, facebook messages, skype sessions, etc., have been more of an encouragement than I could ever begin to explain.
Please continue to pray for these sweet girls. I love them VERY much, but I also know that they all still have some very hard issues to overcome. Pray that the girls who have been called by Christ and have accepted the Gospel will just fall on Him and allow Him to carry them through these tough times. For the girls who, unfortunately, are only “Christian” by name, pray that the Lord will soften their hearts and teach them of His unconditional love for them, that the truth of the Gospel isn’t a list of rules and regulations to be followed. I love you all and thank you again SO MUCH for your support over the past 2 ½ months. I seriously can’t believe it truly is coming to an end, and this is an experience I will never forget.
“I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep. And I have other sheep that are not of this fold. I must bring them also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd.” –John 10:14-16
To say that I am excited is an understatement. I miss my parents, my sister, my friends, my boyfriend, my own bed, and so many other things! There are also those little things about The States that I will be so happy to come back to, like actually throwing my toilet paper in the toilet and not being afraid to drink water from the faucet, or brush my teeth for that matter.
But of course, as much as I am looking forward to those things, saying goodbye is going to be one of the hardest things in the world for me. My last post detailed the opportunity I had to spend time with my dear friend, Emma, and this week God has continued to allow me opportunities to be there for her. A few days ago she called me into her room and said she had something for me. She gave me a little stuffed lamb and a picture of her with a note on the back that just about made me ball! I have already shed tears over having to say goodbye, especially to her, and I am hoping I can just hold it together until I leave.
The last few days have actually been quite the adventure. All of our Tías left for a House Parent Retreat so I, along with the 3 other interns here, had the lovely task of being substitute Tías for each of our houses. My house is Casa Naranja, and I have 11 girls. 8 of those 11 girls are all under the age of 12, and I had quite the experience. To be perfectly honest, I have never been more exhausted or more frustrated in my life. One of the hardest things for me to come to terms with while I have been here is that while, for the most part, all of these girls seem so happy and well-adjusted when you first meet them, there is not a single girl (at least in my house) who doesn’t struggle with some sort of anger issues.
Based on their pasts and the horrific things that these girls were put through at such young ages I completely understand why they have these issues and why they choose to act out so much. Having to deal with those experiences would make me angry too. Just hearing some of their stories makes my blood boil.
When I first got here, I talked with a CAM missionary who said something that took by complete surprise, and I really didn’t understand it initially. He told me that a lot of these girls can be pretty hard to love sometimes. I will admit, in my first few weeks here, I thought he was crazy for saying that. They were all so sweet to me. How could they be hard to love? After living here for 2 months and especially after covering the house for my Tías for 3 days, I understand what he meant.
Everyone who comes on a mission trip will have preconceived notions; it´s our human nature. My preconceived notions were that I would come into The Oasis, and all of the girls would be so willing to listen to the Gospel and respect what I had to say and everything was going to be just great. While I knew they would have deep issues to deal with from their past, I thought that they would be SO willing to listen. What I found after being here was the truth of what this missionary said: sometimes they really are hard to love. When you have to watch out for 11 girls, and at least 4of them at any given time are either a) screaming in your face b) outright disobeying/lying to you or c) simply not listening, extending love isn’t the easiest thing in the world.
I would never want to imply that I do not love these girls, because I have more love for each of them than I ever thought I could. They have taken a small piece of my heart that will always stay here in Guatemala. That is why it is going to be so hard to leave. On the other hand, I cannot lie and say that I worked with complete angels 24/7 during my time here. I am sure there were times when I was a kid that my parents were ready to pull their hair (with the exception of my Dad haha!) out because of my disobedience. It’s not that there was ever any point that they did not love me, but extending grace to me was probably not easy. This was just one of the MANY times during this trip that God chose to teach me something about forgiveness, grace, and love. During my “Tía-ing” two verses kept popping into my head as I was about ready to pull my hair out so many times:
“For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person – though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die – but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” -Romans 5:6-8
and
¨If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same” -Luke 6:32
I think these are pretty self-explanatory. In order to save me God not only died, but willingly spilled all of His blood and was executed in one of the most horrific ways in human history; knowing that I would consciously and willingly disobey and sin against Him. Knowing that, and completely understanding that I am the chief of sinners, God has called me to the same type of love, grace, and forgiveness. While that doesn’t make it easier to extend grace, it makes it that much more apparent that I have to lean on God to work that out in my heart. My human nature, which came out several times during the past few days, would have rather just yelled at the girls instead of teaching them obedience in a way that showed them love.
As I think back on my experiences over the last 2 months, I see how God used this experience to teach me and grow me so much. When I get back to the States after my debriefing in Dallas and MUCH needed time with family and friends, I will be so excited to reflect and share all of the things that He showed me because there are a LOT!
I have a feeling this might be my last post while in Guatemala. To those of you who have supported me, either financially, through prayer, with much needed words of encouragement, or a combination of the three, I cannot thank you enough. God has provided for me a HUGE support system that I have been amazed by. All of the emails, facebook messages, skype sessions, etc., have been more of an encouragement than I could ever begin to explain.
Please continue to pray for these sweet girls. I love them VERY much, but I also know that they all still have some very hard issues to overcome. Pray that the girls who have been called by Christ and have accepted the Gospel will just fall on Him and allow Him to carry them through these tough times. For the girls who, unfortunately, are only “Christian” by name, pray that the Lord will soften their hearts and teach them of His unconditional love for them, that the truth of the Gospel isn’t a list of rules and regulations to be followed. I love you all and thank you again SO MUCH for your support over the past 2 ½ months. I seriously can’t believe it truly is coming to an end, and this is an experience I will never forget.
“I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep. And I have other sheep that are not of this fold. I must bring them also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd.” –John 10:14-16
Monday, July 4, 2011
Tengo Paz en Mi Ser
To think that I have been here for almost 8 weeks is hard to rap my mind around. Time here is so different. On one hand, I feel like I was just boarding my plane in Houston back in May, and on the other hand I feel like I have been here forever. I looked at the calendar this morning and counted the days I have left at The Oasis, 11. Eleven days feels like nothing. I have just barely started to former stronger relationships with these girls and in only a few days I have to say my final goodbyes.
Earlier this week, I feel like I made a breakthrough with one of my girls. Rather, God allowed me to see a breakthrough in my relationship with her. I will call her Emma. Emma is one of the sweetest girls here at The Oasis. She always wants to come up and give everyone the biggest hug, and she fills Casa Naranja (the house where I eat breakfast and dinner) with smiles and laughter almost constantly. There is something more to her smile than just happiness; you can see complete joy in her! I am captivated by how happy this sweet girl is.
It all started early last week when our director showed us a video about The Oasis that had a few testimonies of some of our girls. Emma’s testimony was first. Within the first 30 seconds of her recounting all of the terrible things that she had experienced before coming to The Oasis, I was balling. I know why all of these girls are here, but sometimes it’s easy to shove that to the back of my mind in the day-to-day work that I have to do. After hearing her story, I felt much closer to her. She had been one girl in my house that I had especially bonded with, but after knowing where she came from, I felt that much more connected to her.
On Friday night I came into Casa Naranja, and sweet Emma was nowhere to be found. She is usually the first to run up and give me a huge hug so I was immediately concerned. When our Tía called all the girls in for dinner, Emma came in with her eyes firmly fixed on the ground and did not say a word to anyone. While everyone else was talking, joking, and laughing through dinner, I was barely able to make eye contact with her more than once. It broke my heart to see her so upset because I knew exactly what was going on. Visitor’s day was that following morning, and Emma and I both knew that based on the decisions of the courts, her mom would not be allowed to come. As much pain as these girls’ parents have caused them, they still can’t help but long for their families, if nothing else, to show how much they forgive them.
As dinner slowly finished and the girls were still gathered around the table I moved from my chair to where she was sitting. I didn’t say a word, but all I could do was throw my arms around her and hold her. She immediately buried her face in my chest and did a remarkable job of holding back her tears. It was all I could do not to start crying. As everyone began to leave the table and clean up after dinner, Emma and I just sat there. Neither of us said a word.
One of my favorite hymns ever written is “It is Well with My Soul.” I know it in Spanish, so I barely sang the chorus into her ear and just tried to remind her of how much God loved her. She gave me the slightest nod in agreement as I told her how much God loves her, and we just sat there together. I told her that we could talk, but I knew very well that she did not need words or a conversation. She just needed someone to hold on to and bury her face for a little while.
If I leave here in 11 days with nothing more than that small, 10 minute experience, I will have no doubt in my mind that I was placed here by God in this specific time for this specific purpose. I am humbled to my core that God has allowed me to be a part of this very special little girl’s life and see just a glimpse into her beautiful heart.
All the frustration, the health issues, the homesickness, the culture shock, the loneliness, and the times in the desert all fade away in a moment like that. God allowed me to physically care for His sweet daughter in the same way that the Lord has cared for me in so many dark times in my life. I am in awe. A blessing like that is worth far more to me than anything else that I could possibly gain in this world.
I am so glad to say that Emma is back to her joyful, beautiful self. I know she is still in the process of healing from very deep wounds, but I can also tell that she genuinely believes that God loves her and that He is her ultimate protector. Just because of that one moment, I would never trade this trip for anything else I could have possibly done this summer.
Please do not stop praying for these sweet girls like Emma who have a lot of hurt in their past that they are still dealing with. I am learning the lesson of forgiveness right there with them, and God’s love is so tangible in the times when one of these sweet girls says wholeheartedly that she forgives the people in her past who hurt her so terribly. God has become more real to me in this trip than He ever has before, and it’s not over yet! :D
Earlier this week, I feel like I made a breakthrough with one of my girls. Rather, God allowed me to see a breakthrough in my relationship with her. I will call her Emma. Emma is one of the sweetest girls here at The Oasis. She always wants to come up and give everyone the biggest hug, and she fills Casa Naranja (the house where I eat breakfast and dinner) with smiles and laughter almost constantly. There is something more to her smile than just happiness; you can see complete joy in her! I am captivated by how happy this sweet girl is.
It all started early last week when our director showed us a video about The Oasis that had a few testimonies of some of our girls. Emma’s testimony was first. Within the first 30 seconds of her recounting all of the terrible things that she had experienced before coming to The Oasis, I was balling. I know why all of these girls are here, but sometimes it’s easy to shove that to the back of my mind in the day-to-day work that I have to do. After hearing her story, I felt much closer to her. She had been one girl in my house that I had especially bonded with, but after knowing where she came from, I felt that much more connected to her.
On Friday night I came into Casa Naranja, and sweet Emma was nowhere to be found. She is usually the first to run up and give me a huge hug so I was immediately concerned. When our Tía called all the girls in for dinner, Emma came in with her eyes firmly fixed on the ground and did not say a word to anyone. While everyone else was talking, joking, and laughing through dinner, I was barely able to make eye contact with her more than once. It broke my heart to see her so upset because I knew exactly what was going on. Visitor’s day was that following morning, and Emma and I both knew that based on the decisions of the courts, her mom would not be allowed to come. As much pain as these girls’ parents have caused them, they still can’t help but long for their families, if nothing else, to show how much they forgive them.
As dinner slowly finished and the girls were still gathered around the table I moved from my chair to where she was sitting. I didn’t say a word, but all I could do was throw my arms around her and hold her. She immediately buried her face in my chest and did a remarkable job of holding back her tears. It was all I could do not to start crying. As everyone began to leave the table and clean up after dinner, Emma and I just sat there. Neither of us said a word.
One of my favorite hymns ever written is “It is Well with My Soul.” I know it in Spanish, so I barely sang the chorus into her ear and just tried to remind her of how much God loved her. She gave me the slightest nod in agreement as I told her how much God loves her, and we just sat there together. I told her that we could talk, but I knew very well that she did not need words or a conversation. She just needed someone to hold on to and bury her face for a little while.
If I leave here in 11 days with nothing more than that small, 10 minute experience, I will have no doubt in my mind that I was placed here by God in this specific time for this specific purpose. I am humbled to my core that God has allowed me to be a part of this very special little girl’s life and see just a glimpse into her beautiful heart.
All the frustration, the health issues, the homesickness, the culture shock, the loneliness, and the times in the desert all fade away in a moment like that. God allowed me to physically care for His sweet daughter in the same way that the Lord has cared for me in so many dark times in my life. I am in awe. A blessing like that is worth far more to me than anything else that I could possibly gain in this world.
I am so glad to say that Emma is back to her joyful, beautiful self. I know she is still in the process of healing from very deep wounds, but I can also tell that she genuinely believes that God loves her and that He is her ultimate protector. Just because of that one moment, I would never trade this trip for anything else I could have possibly done this summer.
Please do not stop praying for these sweet girls like Emma who have a lot of hurt in their past that they are still dealing with. I am learning the lesson of forgiveness right there with them, and God’s love is so tangible in the times when one of these sweet girls says wholeheartedly that she forgives the people in her past who hurt her so terribly. God has become more real to me in this trip than He ever has before, and it’s not over yet! :D
Friday, July 1, 2011
I will always lose.
One year ago today, I got an email from CAM International informing me that I had been accepted to this internship. One year. I seriously cannot believe that I have known about this internship for over a year, and now I sit here with only 2 weeks and 2 days left until I fly home. I remember getting that email and having a million different questions flood my mind: What would I be doing here? How would I feel once I actually got here? Would my Spanish improve? How many other interns would there be? Am I the only one who knows this far in advance?
As I think back on all of those questions and more all I can do is smile because my ideas about what this trip was going to look like did not even have the slightest resemblance to how things have gone so far. God has truly given me a curiosity for things, and my preconceived notions are never what anything really turns out to be.
Right now, my heart has become its own contradiction. When I realize that I only have 2 weeks left, I can’t help but be overwhelmed with joy that in a very short amount of time I get to be reunited with my family, friends, and all of the people back home in Texas that have loved me and supported me through this entire process. At the same time, this afternoon during lunch as I looked around the table at all of these sweet girls that I have grown to love and adore, I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed with emotion that I really only have 2 weeks left with these girls; and there is a chance that I may never see their sweet, smiling faces again. I can’t deny that the thought of that just broke my heart. I leave The Oasis two weeks from today, and I already know that goodbyes are going to be so tough.
During my time here I have been going through 1 and 2 Corinthians. Last night, I read a verse that was very convicting and thought provoking from me.
“Let one who boasts, boast in the Lord. For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.¨ -2 Corinthians 10:17-18
I remember right after reading that last night, The Holy Spirit met with a question: Do I commend God in Guatemala for His sovereignty in bringing me here, or do I commend myself for acting out in obedience towards Him?
If I am to be completely honest in answering that question, a lot of times the second option has more truth to it in my life. So many times, both in the year I had to prepare my heart, and the time that I have been here so far, too often I start to play the let-me-prove-my-righteousness-to-God game. Does anybody else play that one? You know the one…where you start to present of all your really “good works” to God so that He can be reminded of how you’re a good Christian, not like those other guys. Am I the only one who plays that? Well, let me be the first to testify to how that game really doesn’t work when it’s lined up against the sovereignty, perfection, grace, power, and love of our God and creator of the universe, especially when you start being reminded of verses like this:
“I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” –John 15:5
It doesn’t get much more cut and dry than that. Apart from God I can do absolutely NOTHING! As I talked about in one of my first posts, God met me with a question when I first got here, “Do you believe I am truly enough?” God is not only enough for me, He is the anchor by which everything I do is either fruitful in the name of The Lord or worth nothing apart from Him. While that seems like such a simple concept, I can be the first to admit that before I came here, it was obviously one that I only believe in theory, not in action. If I truly believe these ideas, then the let-me-prove-my-righteousness-to-God game that I seem to love playing would be nonexistent. While it’s a game that my sinful nature loves to play, it is a game that I will always lose.
Presenting God with my “good works” is like trying to impress an artist with a photocopy of his own masterpiece and then taking credit for the artistry. My act of obedience in coming here was only a step of faith by the grace of God when he softened my heart and allowed me to say “Yes!” GOD called me to this mission, GOD created a desire in my heart to go, and GOD stirred my affections for the sweet girls who are here and GOD broke my heart for this country. I did NONE of those things of my own accord. The only thing I have contributed is rebellion, stubbornness, and constant questioning.
BUT this is just one more part of the never ending beauty of God; even through my rebellion, disobedience, constant question of why, and the sins of pride and selfishness, God still allowed me to be here. He chose to grow me here in some amazing ways, and He delights in using His children to show His beautiful and perfect love to the world. God does not need us. He does not need me here to show these girls love. He chose to. Plain and simple.
Why? I will probably never know. All I know is that this little game I love to play is a slap in the face to His sovereignty over my life. I pray that He will continually break me of that and allow me to more fully understand His sovereignty, grace, and inconceivable forgiveness over my life and my sinful heart.
Thank you so much to everyone reading this and keeping up with my blog (even though I don’t get to update as much as I would like)! Please continue to pray for the girls here that they will accept God’s love and be changed and used by Him in a radical and amazing way. Please pray also for my heart for the remainder of my time here. As I said, I am so ready to go home, but I love these girls so much. Pray that I will finish strong even though I am getting anxious to get home to my family, and pray that God will continue to use me in whatever way He chooses, whether I will ever see the outcome or not.
As I think back on all of those questions and more all I can do is smile because my ideas about what this trip was going to look like did not even have the slightest resemblance to how things have gone so far. God has truly given me a curiosity for things, and my preconceived notions are never what anything really turns out to be.
Right now, my heart has become its own contradiction. When I realize that I only have 2 weeks left, I can’t help but be overwhelmed with joy that in a very short amount of time I get to be reunited with my family, friends, and all of the people back home in Texas that have loved me and supported me through this entire process. At the same time, this afternoon during lunch as I looked around the table at all of these sweet girls that I have grown to love and adore, I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed with emotion that I really only have 2 weeks left with these girls; and there is a chance that I may never see their sweet, smiling faces again. I can’t deny that the thought of that just broke my heart. I leave The Oasis two weeks from today, and I already know that goodbyes are going to be so tough.
During my time here I have been going through 1 and 2 Corinthians. Last night, I read a verse that was very convicting and thought provoking from me.
“Let one who boasts, boast in the Lord. For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.¨ -2 Corinthians 10:17-18
I remember right after reading that last night, The Holy Spirit met with a question: Do I commend God in Guatemala for His sovereignty in bringing me here, or do I commend myself for acting out in obedience towards Him?
If I am to be completely honest in answering that question, a lot of times the second option has more truth to it in my life. So many times, both in the year I had to prepare my heart, and the time that I have been here so far, too often I start to play the let-me-prove-my-righteousness-to-God game. Does anybody else play that one? You know the one…where you start to present of all your really “good works” to God so that He can be reminded of how you’re a good Christian, not like those other guys. Am I the only one who plays that? Well, let me be the first to testify to how that game really doesn’t work when it’s lined up against the sovereignty, perfection, grace, power, and love of our God and creator of the universe, especially when you start being reminded of verses like this:
“I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” –John 15:5
It doesn’t get much more cut and dry than that. Apart from God I can do absolutely NOTHING! As I talked about in one of my first posts, God met me with a question when I first got here, “Do you believe I am truly enough?” God is not only enough for me, He is the anchor by which everything I do is either fruitful in the name of The Lord or worth nothing apart from Him. While that seems like such a simple concept, I can be the first to admit that before I came here, it was obviously one that I only believe in theory, not in action. If I truly believe these ideas, then the let-me-prove-my-righteousness-to-God game that I seem to love playing would be nonexistent. While it’s a game that my sinful nature loves to play, it is a game that I will always lose.
Presenting God with my “good works” is like trying to impress an artist with a photocopy of his own masterpiece and then taking credit for the artistry. My act of obedience in coming here was only a step of faith by the grace of God when he softened my heart and allowed me to say “Yes!” GOD called me to this mission, GOD created a desire in my heart to go, and GOD stirred my affections for the sweet girls who are here and GOD broke my heart for this country. I did NONE of those things of my own accord. The only thing I have contributed is rebellion, stubbornness, and constant questioning.
BUT this is just one more part of the never ending beauty of God; even through my rebellion, disobedience, constant question of why, and the sins of pride and selfishness, God still allowed me to be here. He chose to grow me here in some amazing ways, and He delights in using His children to show His beautiful and perfect love to the world. God does not need us. He does not need me here to show these girls love. He chose to. Plain and simple.
Why? I will probably never know. All I know is that this little game I love to play is a slap in the face to His sovereignty over my life. I pray that He will continually break me of that and allow me to more fully understand His sovereignty, grace, and inconceivable forgiveness over my life and my sinful heart.
Thank you so much to everyone reading this and keeping up with my blog (even though I don’t get to update as much as I would like)! Please continue to pray for the girls here that they will accept God’s love and be changed and used by Him in a radical and amazing way. Please pray also for my heart for the remainder of my time here. As I said, I am so ready to go home, but I love these girls so much. Pray that I will finish strong even though I am getting anxious to get home to my family, and pray that God will continue to use me in whatever way He chooses, whether I will ever see the outcome or not.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
The Wall
For this light momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. -1 Corinthians 4:17-18
As I sit here in my seventh week in Guatemala with six weeks behind me, I am facing a wall, a wall that I have been hitting since I landed at the airport in Guatemala City back in May. The wall that asks several questions: Why am I here? What does God want from me here? Why did He call me to this specific place in Guatemala? Those questions and several others have been on my mind since before this trip began, and, for the most part, I have yet to get an answer for any of them. Of course, I completely understand that the general purpose for this trip is to serve these girls at The Oasis and to be obedient to God’s purpose for me this summer. However, this wall is more about the question of specifics. How is serving these girls and portraying God’s love supposed to manifest itself in this internship? Anyone can come in and play with or tutor young girls, but how is that supposed to look in terms of God’s love?
As of now, I have only been able to build surface-level friendships with the girls here, and I am struggling to find opportunities to take those to a deeper level, partially because of the language barrier that still exists. Even though I have been here for a month and a half, I don’t see my Spanish improving enough to share a deep conversation. All of this just causes frustration and questions in my mind. I have yet to actually share the Gospel with any of these girls past sharing my testimony. As I go through everyday just playing with the girls and trying to get to know them better, there is always that same question in the back of my mind: What’s the point if I’m not sharing the Gospel?
It’s not that these girls haven’t heard the truth of God because they hear it all the time here, at school, and at church. I feel like I should be showing them what it actually looks like to live a life centered on the truth that they are hearing, but how can I do that if I don’t talk about it? These are all just frustrations that prove how small I am and how big God is. I seek Him everyday in trying to understand what my purpose is for this moment in time, but I also know that I have to have faith and trust that even if He does not reveal a perfect, black and white reason for this trip, and even if He does not allow me to see any fruit from my time here, I have to concern myself with being obedient to Him and trusting that He will use me whether I can see it or not.
I think part of my problem stems from the issue of pride. My sinful heart wants to be able to go back to the States and tell my family and friends about the trip in terms of my successes. Two things right off the bat (and so many more) are fundamentally wrong with that. The first is that any success that I do see here is not mine. It will just be God’s blessing on my life to be able to see Him working in a tangible way. If He allows me to see fruit in my time here, that has EVERYTHING to do with Him and NOTHING to do with me. If he doesn't allow me to see fruit here, that doesn't mean that this trip was a failure. The second is that this trip is not even a matter of success and failure but of love, service, and worship. If I use this time to serve the girls here, show them love, and ultimately use this time in my life to worship God, I can’t be worried about whether I was “successful.” God will use me in this time if and when He chooses, but my sinful, prideful nature still wants to take credit for any good thing that happens here. My pride just keeps telling me that I do not want to leave in 3 ½ weeks feeling like a failure.
The truth is that I already am a failure. As I have said in my support video, I fail in every area of my life every single day, and I have to ask God for forgiveness and grace in every aspect of my life. How did I think that my time here would be any different?
All I can do is pray, seek God, and wrestle with Him in the desert in these times of frustration and inability to fully understand my purpose here. I still don’t fully understand what it looks like to serve these girls in a way that displays the love of God as the driving force. All I can practically do is seek God, and wait on Him to guide me in this area every single day. I am sure I am not alone when I say, “Easier said than done!” God is growing my faith so much, even when it feels like I can barely hang on!
As always, please continue to pray for me with these things, and pray for the girls here. I am so excited to report that tonight I, along with the 3 other interns here, are leading a devotional for all of the girls. I am giving my part over Romans 8:38-39 which says, “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Please pray that as I share the truth of God’s unconditional love with these girls that their hearts will be open to accept His love, His grace, and His beautiful undeserved forgiveness in their lives.
I pray that even though I keep hitting this wall that God will continue to guide me and provide all of the strength I need. I am growing weary, and my time here is never going to be anything of value if I am not leaning on the Lord through the entirety of this trip. I love these sweet girls so much, and I so desperately want to see them fall in love with the Lord. I can only imagine how much more God wants that for them too.
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest in your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. –Matthew 11:28-30
As I sit here in my seventh week in Guatemala with six weeks behind me, I am facing a wall, a wall that I have been hitting since I landed at the airport in Guatemala City back in May. The wall that asks several questions: Why am I here? What does God want from me here? Why did He call me to this specific place in Guatemala? Those questions and several others have been on my mind since before this trip began, and, for the most part, I have yet to get an answer for any of them. Of course, I completely understand that the general purpose for this trip is to serve these girls at The Oasis and to be obedient to God’s purpose for me this summer. However, this wall is more about the question of specifics. How is serving these girls and portraying God’s love supposed to manifest itself in this internship? Anyone can come in and play with or tutor young girls, but how is that supposed to look in terms of God’s love?
As of now, I have only been able to build surface-level friendships with the girls here, and I am struggling to find opportunities to take those to a deeper level, partially because of the language barrier that still exists. Even though I have been here for a month and a half, I don’t see my Spanish improving enough to share a deep conversation. All of this just causes frustration and questions in my mind. I have yet to actually share the Gospel with any of these girls past sharing my testimony. As I go through everyday just playing with the girls and trying to get to know them better, there is always that same question in the back of my mind: What’s the point if I’m not sharing the Gospel?
It’s not that these girls haven’t heard the truth of God because they hear it all the time here, at school, and at church. I feel like I should be showing them what it actually looks like to live a life centered on the truth that they are hearing, but how can I do that if I don’t talk about it? These are all just frustrations that prove how small I am and how big God is. I seek Him everyday in trying to understand what my purpose is for this moment in time, but I also know that I have to have faith and trust that even if He does not reveal a perfect, black and white reason for this trip, and even if He does not allow me to see any fruit from my time here, I have to concern myself with being obedient to Him and trusting that He will use me whether I can see it or not.
I think part of my problem stems from the issue of pride. My sinful heart wants to be able to go back to the States and tell my family and friends about the trip in terms of my successes. Two things right off the bat (and so many more) are fundamentally wrong with that. The first is that any success that I do see here is not mine. It will just be God’s blessing on my life to be able to see Him working in a tangible way. If He allows me to see fruit in my time here, that has EVERYTHING to do with Him and NOTHING to do with me. If he doesn't allow me to see fruit here, that doesn't mean that this trip was a failure. The second is that this trip is not even a matter of success and failure but of love, service, and worship. If I use this time to serve the girls here, show them love, and ultimately use this time in my life to worship God, I can’t be worried about whether I was “successful.” God will use me in this time if and when He chooses, but my sinful, prideful nature still wants to take credit for any good thing that happens here. My pride just keeps telling me that I do not want to leave in 3 ½ weeks feeling like a failure.
The truth is that I already am a failure. As I have said in my support video, I fail in every area of my life every single day, and I have to ask God for forgiveness and grace in every aspect of my life. How did I think that my time here would be any different?
All I can do is pray, seek God, and wrestle with Him in the desert in these times of frustration and inability to fully understand my purpose here. I still don’t fully understand what it looks like to serve these girls in a way that displays the love of God as the driving force. All I can practically do is seek God, and wait on Him to guide me in this area every single day. I am sure I am not alone when I say, “Easier said than done!” God is growing my faith so much, even when it feels like I can barely hang on!
As always, please continue to pray for me with these things, and pray for the girls here. I am so excited to report that tonight I, along with the 3 other interns here, are leading a devotional for all of the girls. I am giving my part over Romans 8:38-39 which says, “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Please pray that as I share the truth of God’s unconditional love with these girls that their hearts will be open to accept His love, His grace, and His beautiful undeserved forgiveness in their lives.
I pray that even though I keep hitting this wall that God will continue to guide me and provide all of the strength I need. I am growing weary, and my time here is never going to be anything of value if I am not leaning on the Lord through the entirety of this trip. I love these sweet girls so much, and I so desperately want to see them fall in love with the Lord. I can only imagine how much more God wants that for them too.
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest in your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. –Matthew 11:28-30
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
WHOAAH! We're halfway there!
WHOAAH! Livin' on a prayer!
So today officially marks 5 weeks that I have been in Guatemala, the halfway point. Now that I have finally gotten used to life in Guatemala, it definitely does not feel like I have been here for 5 weeks. I also know that the last half of this internship is going to go by so fast!
We have a lot of stuff coming up that I am super excited about! This Saturday the three other interns and I are getting a day away from The Oasis, which all of us are really needing! We are going to climb Pacaya, the active volcano that erupted last May, and spend the day just marveling at God´s power in His creation. Needless to say, all of us are very excited! Next weekend, we are taking some of the older girls to a Christian music festival, Explo Music Fest, on Friday night; but I am probably most excited about that Saturday because I am making a day trip to Antigua (my favorite place in Guatemala so far) where I will get to see my sister who will be here from June 16-26 on a mission trip with The Village Church from Dallas. Getting to spend the day with my sister is going to be so wonderful! The next weekend all of the interns are taking a trip with the director of The Oasis and his family to Panajachel which is on Lake Atitlan. I have heard that it is absolutely beautiful, and I am going to love the relaxation!
With all of these awesome experiences taking up several of my weekends, I know that I am going to blink and the next 5 weeks will be over. No matter how great I feel here, it is still such a challenge. My biggest challenge right now is finding time to just be alone with The Lord and allow Him to restore me. I still catch myself trying to rely on my own strength sometimes, and I have to constantly check my heart to make sure that the love I am trying to show these girls is out of pure motives to glorify God, not to make myself feel good or righteous. As always, I miss home. I know being able to see Casey is going to be such a blessing from God, and I know I am going to enjoy that time so much!
God is refusing to let up on pounding my flesh and chiseling at my soul every single day. He has continually revealed sin in my life that basically revolves around pride, self-righteousness, and a lacking in faith. I never realized how much I tried to rely on myself before this trip and how little I understood that ¨my¨ strength is only provided by the grace of God. He is continually showing me how big He is and how small I am. I have been reading the Psalms, and it has been a beautiful encouragement! My time here will mean NOTHING if it is not powered by strength, grace, and love from the Lord. I am at awe everyday about His sacrifice on the cross and the grace that comes with that even when I ignore His sovereignty over my life.
I will close with an awesome story that is just a tangible example of an answered prayer: I had explained earlier in one of my posts about how the older girls had been taking a lot longer to warm up to me. One girl in particular wanted very little to do with me (the Oasis is trying to be very sensitive with posting names online so I will call her Dee). Dee lives in the house where I eat breakfast and dinner. She has been nice and polite, but had been keeping me at arms length. A couple of days ago, Lydia (another intern) and I were sitting outside singing a few worship songs in Spanish as she played her guitar. We started messing around with Revelation Song, which has a beautiful Spanish version. As we were singing Dee came up and asked if we could practice with her because she knew the song on the piano. Lydia played guitar, Dee played piano, and another Oasis girl and I sang. We ended up playing worships songs for almost 2 hours before dinner. It was a very sweet blessing. After dinner their youth pastor came over to pray over Dee. She has had back problems in the past, so we all prayed over her health. After the youth minister left she came and sat in my lap and laid her head on my shoulder. Neither of us said anything, and I just put my arms around her and hugged her. I had been praying that God would open up some sort of connection for us, so it was SO awesome to see that prayer answered.
I have so many stories already of God working here, and I feel SO blessed and SO humbled that God has given me the opportunity to see Him working in this place.
Please continue to pray for these sweet girls and for my time here to do nothing but glorify God!! Thank you to everyone who reads this, has been emailing me, and is praying for me. The support I have gotten has been SUCH an encouragement to me! This is definitely a very challenging, very tough time, but God is bringing me through it. His provision is always more than I ever deserve!
So today officially marks 5 weeks that I have been in Guatemala, the halfway point. Now that I have finally gotten used to life in Guatemala, it definitely does not feel like I have been here for 5 weeks. I also know that the last half of this internship is going to go by so fast!
We have a lot of stuff coming up that I am super excited about! This Saturday the three other interns and I are getting a day away from The Oasis, which all of us are really needing! We are going to climb Pacaya, the active volcano that erupted last May, and spend the day just marveling at God´s power in His creation. Needless to say, all of us are very excited! Next weekend, we are taking some of the older girls to a Christian music festival, Explo Music Fest, on Friday night; but I am probably most excited about that Saturday because I am making a day trip to Antigua (my favorite place in Guatemala so far) where I will get to see my sister who will be here from June 16-26 on a mission trip with The Village Church from Dallas. Getting to spend the day with my sister is going to be so wonderful! The next weekend all of the interns are taking a trip with the director of The Oasis and his family to Panajachel which is on Lake Atitlan. I have heard that it is absolutely beautiful, and I am going to love the relaxation!
With all of these awesome experiences taking up several of my weekends, I know that I am going to blink and the next 5 weeks will be over. No matter how great I feel here, it is still such a challenge. My biggest challenge right now is finding time to just be alone with The Lord and allow Him to restore me. I still catch myself trying to rely on my own strength sometimes, and I have to constantly check my heart to make sure that the love I am trying to show these girls is out of pure motives to glorify God, not to make myself feel good or righteous. As always, I miss home. I know being able to see Casey is going to be such a blessing from God, and I know I am going to enjoy that time so much!
God is refusing to let up on pounding my flesh and chiseling at my soul every single day. He has continually revealed sin in my life that basically revolves around pride, self-righteousness, and a lacking in faith. I never realized how much I tried to rely on myself before this trip and how little I understood that ¨my¨ strength is only provided by the grace of God. He is continually showing me how big He is and how small I am. I have been reading the Psalms, and it has been a beautiful encouragement! My time here will mean NOTHING if it is not powered by strength, grace, and love from the Lord. I am at awe everyday about His sacrifice on the cross and the grace that comes with that even when I ignore His sovereignty over my life.
I will close with an awesome story that is just a tangible example of an answered prayer: I had explained earlier in one of my posts about how the older girls had been taking a lot longer to warm up to me. One girl in particular wanted very little to do with me (the Oasis is trying to be very sensitive with posting names online so I will call her Dee). Dee lives in the house where I eat breakfast and dinner. She has been nice and polite, but had been keeping me at arms length. A couple of days ago, Lydia (another intern) and I were sitting outside singing a few worship songs in Spanish as she played her guitar. We started messing around with Revelation Song, which has a beautiful Spanish version. As we were singing Dee came up and asked if we could practice with her because she knew the song on the piano. Lydia played guitar, Dee played piano, and another Oasis girl and I sang. We ended up playing worships songs for almost 2 hours before dinner. It was a very sweet blessing. After dinner their youth pastor came over to pray over Dee. She has had back problems in the past, so we all prayed over her health. After the youth minister left she came and sat in my lap and laid her head on my shoulder. Neither of us said anything, and I just put my arms around her and hugged her. I had been praying that God would open up some sort of connection for us, so it was SO awesome to see that prayer answered.
I have so many stories already of God working here, and I feel SO blessed and SO humbled that God has given me the opportunity to see Him working in this place.
Please continue to pray for these sweet girls and for my time here to do nothing but glorify God!! Thank you to everyone who reads this, has been emailing me, and is praying for me. The support I have gotten has been SUCH an encouragement to me! This is definitely a very challenging, very tough time, but God is bringing me through it. His provision is always more than I ever deserve!
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Because God Calls us to Forgive.
The past few days have been crazy, fun, and very emotional! This afternoon the 3 other interns and I held our first ever Oasis Field Day. We played a lot of different games including spinning on a bat and kicking a soccer goal, frisbee throw, obstacle course (complete with diapers filled with melted candy bars), bobbing for apples in water and marshmallows in powdered sugar, and messy dodgeball. Dodgeball definitely had to be my favorite. We created a concoction of cottage cheese, tuna, mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, pudding, graham crackers, and a few other things to coat the dodgeballs in. It just ended up being a messy, ball-throwing free for all. I had the privilege of documenting the whole thing and ended up with 376 pictures. When I get back to the States I will have so many pictures to go through! As of today, after almost 5 weeks here, I have taken over 750 pictures. Needless to say, this trip will be very well documented after all is said and done!
I heard a story the other night from another intern and my roommate for the trip, Marissa. She was talking to one of the girls here and asked her about her story and how she ended up at The Oasis. After hearing her story, Marissa was shocked at the amount of abuse and heartache that she had suffered before coming here. This is a young girl who had been very upset last weekend when her mom didn´t come to visitor's day. Marissa and I were both very confused about after hearing her story. Marissa asked this girl, ¨Why do you want to see your Mom after all that she did to you?¨ Her response: ¨Because God calls us to forgive.¨ That has been one of the most powerful stories I have heard during my time here so far. Not only has this girl come to know the Lord, but she is a living example of true forgiveness. She has no hate, anger, or bitterness toward her Mom, only forgiveness. That kind of love on earth is hard to grasp, and it is just a small shadow of the love and forgiveness that Christ has for us. We are all sinners, and NONE of us are any better than the parents of these girls. We all need Christ, and we all need forgiveness. After hearing that story, the conviction in my heart was unreal, and my affections were so stirred towards God and His love, grace, and sacrifice on the Cross for our sins.
It's been a very good couple of days. I finally feel like I am getting into a groove, but I have to be SO careful not to start relying on my own strength. God in His power and mercy has brought me this far, and it is so crazy of me to think even for a second that I don't need him anymore than I did before to carry me through the rest of my time here. Today, however, has been uniquely challenging because today is my 6 month anniversary with my boyfriend. Now, compared to my parents who have been married for over 25 years, 6 months doesn´t seem like much to a lot of people, but it's still hard not to be there to celebrate with him. As with every other aspect of my life, God is teaching me that I have to COMPLETELY give this relationship up to him. Our main goal is to glorify Him in this relationship, and we cannot fully do that if I try to hold on to the relationship as if it's ultimate purpose is to benefit us. More than that, I have just been thinking about home a lot today. I still have a little over 5 weeks left, and at times I can grow weary when I think about that. As I have said before, I have never been this disconnected from my family, friends, and church family, especially not for such long period of time.
All I can do every single day is completely trust in the Lord. Each morning I have to check my heart to make sure my motives are pure. I sometimes find myself thinking that this is somehow supposed to be about benefiting me. While there is no doubt that I am benefiting because God is growing me and teaching me so many different things, that's not the end goal. The end goal is to glorify God. In this season of life, during this trip, that manifests itself by serving these sweet girls to the best of my ability (which is only ¨my¨ ability because God has provided me the strength).
I pray daily that God will show me how I am supposed to serve them each day and how I can be used by Him that day. I am enjoying my time with these girls so much, and every day, I realize that the more time I spend with them, the harder it will be to say goodbye. Please continue to pray for these girls and for my heart during this time to continually be stirred towards the love and grace of our Sweet King and Heavenly Father.
I heard a story the other night from another intern and my roommate for the trip, Marissa. She was talking to one of the girls here and asked her about her story and how she ended up at The Oasis. After hearing her story, Marissa was shocked at the amount of abuse and heartache that she had suffered before coming here. This is a young girl who had been very upset last weekend when her mom didn´t come to visitor's day. Marissa and I were both very confused about after hearing her story. Marissa asked this girl, ¨Why do you want to see your Mom after all that she did to you?¨ Her response: ¨Because God calls us to forgive.¨ That has been one of the most powerful stories I have heard during my time here so far. Not only has this girl come to know the Lord, but she is a living example of true forgiveness. She has no hate, anger, or bitterness toward her Mom, only forgiveness. That kind of love on earth is hard to grasp, and it is just a small shadow of the love and forgiveness that Christ has for us. We are all sinners, and NONE of us are any better than the parents of these girls. We all need Christ, and we all need forgiveness. After hearing that story, the conviction in my heart was unreal, and my affections were so stirred towards God and His love, grace, and sacrifice on the Cross for our sins.
It's been a very good couple of days. I finally feel like I am getting into a groove, but I have to be SO careful not to start relying on my own strength. God in His power and mercy has brought me this far, and it is so crazy of me to think even for a second that I don't need him anymore than I did before to carry me through the rest of my time here. Today, however, has been uniquely challenging because today is my 6 month anniversary with my boyfriend. Now, compared to my parents who have been married for over 25 years, 6 months doesn´t seem like much to a lot of people, but it's still hard not to be there to celebrate with him. As with every other aspect of my life, God is teaching me that I have to COMPLETELY give this relationship up to him. Our main goal is to glorify Him in this relationship, and we cannot fully do that if I try to hold on to the relationship as if it's ultimate purpose is to benefit us. More than that, I have just been thinking about home a lot today. I still have a little over 5 weeks left, and at times I can grow weary when I think about that. As I have said before, I have never been this disconnected from my family, friends, and church family, especially not for such long period of time.
All I can do every single day is completely trust in the Lord. Each morning I have to check my heart to make sure my motives are pure. I sometimes find myself thinking that this is somehow supposed to be about benefiting me. While there is no doubt that I am benefiting because God is growing me and teaching me so many different things, that's not the end goal. The end goal is to glorify God. In this season of life, during this trip, that manifests itself by serving these sweet girls to the best of my ability (which is only ¨my¨ ability because God has provided me the strength).
I pray daily that God will show me how I am supposed to serve them each day and how I can be used by Him that day. I am enjoying my time with these girls so much, and every day, I realize that the more time I spend with them, the harder it will be to say goodbye. Please continue to pray for these girls and for my heart during this time to continually be stirred towards the love and grace of our Sweet King and Heavenly Father.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
4 Weeks Already!?
So, as of today, I have been in Guatemala for 4 weeks. In all honesty, it feels like I have been here for about 4 months. Time seems to move quite a bit slower here, but I am learning to like it. I only have 6 weeks left, and when all is said and done, I know that I will feel like the time just flew by.
While I see God moving and working in so many different ways on this trip, my time here so far has been very challenging. Being away from my friends, family, and boyfriend have proved to be much harder than I was expecting. I am also finding it difficult to be disconnected from New Life, my church in College Station! God has continued to reveal sin in my life, and He has been continually pounding my flesh...its about as enjoyable as it sounds. I know He is working in my heart, and I am excited to see how much he grows me and reveals to me by the end of this trip.
The hardest thing so far is hearing the stories of why these girls are here. The only word I can use to describe so many of these stories is horrific, and that puts it lightly. It is very hard to accept or understand how God can love the parents who did this to their children. It is an amazing reminder of the beauty of God´s grace, and the fact that I am the worst of all sinners. I am no better than those parents, and God continually reminds me that I did nothing to earn His grace. Those reminders reveal the malice and hate that my sinful heart is capable of.
I am beginning to build some deeper relationships with these girls, and I hope those continue to grow as I share about how God has worked in my life. I am really looking forward to next Wednesday when all the interns get to share our testimonies. I have been so encouraged by how joyful these girls are. I know that they are all trying to heal from their pasts and have some hard issues to work through, but they are so willing to play and laugh and be silly with me.
The house that I eat breakfast and dinner with found out that I studied dance for 15 years. Tonight we are going to have our first ballet lesson after dinner. I am pretty excited about being able to use something that I loved and worked at for so many years in a way that can open the door to deeper relationships and sharing God´s love with these girls!
Please continue to pray for these sweet girls. I absolutely love being able to spend this time with them, and I ultimately just want them to see Christ, not me. I am learning more and more about God´s provision and strength every single day. He is providing for my every need, and I am amazed at how much He has already showed me and brought me through.
I know that this trip will continue to be challenging, and my only hope is to rest on Christ, and press into Him more and more everyday.
While I see God moving and working in so many different ways on this trip, my time here so far has been very challenging. Being away from my friends, family, and boyfriend have proved to be much harder than I was expecting. I am also finding it difficult to be disconnected from New Life, my church in College Station! God has continued to reveal sin in my life, and He has been continually pounding my flesh...its about as enjoyable as it sounds. I know He is working in my heart, and I am excited to see how much he grows me and reveals to me by the end of this trip.
The hardest thing so far is hearing the stories of why these girls are here. The only word I can use to describe so many of these stories is horrific, and that puts it lightly. It is very hard to accept or understand how God can love the parents who did this to their children. It is an amazing reminder of the beauty of God´s grace, and the fact that I am the worst of all sinners. I am no better than those parents, and God continually reminds me that I did nothing to earn His grace. Those reminders reveal the malice and hate that my sinful heart is capable of.
I am beginning to build some deeper relationships with these girls, and I hope those continue to grow as I share about how God has worked in my life. I am really looking forward to next Wednesday when all the interns get to share our testimonies. I have been so encouraged by how joyful these girls are. I know that they are all trying to heal from their pasts and have some hard issues to work through, but they are so willing to play and laugh and be silly with me.
The house that I eat breakfast and dinner with found out that I studied dance for 15 years. Tonight we are going to have our first ballet lesson after dinner. I am pretty excited about being able to use something that I loved and worked at for so many years in a way that can open the door to deeper relationships and sharing God´s love with these girls!
Please continue to pray for these sweet girls. I absolutely love being able to spend this time with them, and I ultimately just want them to see Christ, not me. I am learning more and more about God´s provision and strength every single day. He is providing for my every need, and I am amazed at how much He has already showed me and brought me through.
I know that this trip will continue to be challenging, and my only hope is to rest on Christ, and press into Him more and more everyday.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
¿Estás enferma?
Getting sick on my trip here...check! I've been at The Oasis and the inevitable finally happened, I got
sick. For my family and I, this doesn't really come as a surprise. I've gotten sick: on a ski trip to Colorado in 7th grade, the night before I was supposed to leave for a youth camp, and twice on a Mission trip to Mexico my sophomore year. Needless to say, I have a history of getting sick on trips. I am much better now, and I'm glad it was only a 1-day thing.
The Oasis is beautiful in so many different ways. The actual place is in the mountains with an absolutely beautiful skyline, and it's green everywhere (that's a big deal for a girl born and raised in West Texas)! The staff here is so loving and selfless. The house mothers, we call them Tías, are some of the sweetest women I have ever met, and so good with the girls! The girls are just wonderful! A few younger girls, Roxy, Laura, and Carolina, have been the easiest to play with and talk to. The teenage girls are taking a little more time to warm up to me and the other interns, but that is to be expected. It will only take time. I have had the opportunity to tutor Laura and Carolina in the afternoon. These girls are quite the handful, and I can tell they get frustrated easily. They are 8 and 11 years old and both can't read. I hurt for them because I know how much they want to learn, but they so easily give up when things get challenging. I am hoping to continue to encourage them and hopefully convey to them how smart they both are!
It will take a little time to develop some deeper relationships in order to more easily talk about God and the Gospel, but I see the Tías and other staff members doing an amazing job always speaking truth and wisdom to these girls in love and grace. In a few weeks, all of the interns get to share our testimonies! I'm praying that God will give me wisdom during this time. I'm still struggling with some nasty, wicked sin in my heart, but all I can do is pray and seek God every moment of everyday in order to give me the strength and wisdom to deal with the specific challenges I face every day.
Please pray for these precious girls. They are so sweet and joyful, but they are still dealing with some very hard issues. They have all been abused by their families in some form: sexually, physically, emotionally, or a combination of the three. Pray that God will heal their hearts, and that they will come to accept His deep, unexplainable, unconditional, amazing love for us; that they would accept the truth of who they are, daughters of the Most High King!
My time here is amazing, but I still miss my family, friends, and boyfriend. I can't wait to be able to share all of my experiences with them when I get back to the States. I also found out that I will be able to visit my sister in Antigua in 3 weeks when she comes to Guatemala with a team from The Village! Whoop! Until next time, please continue to pray for these girls, and for my time here! I love you all and cant thank everyone enough for supporting and praying for me during this time! :)
And by the way...trying to explain a ring dunk in Spanish is really difficult. Just FYI.
sick. For my family and I, this doesn't really come as a surprise. I've gotten sick: on a ski trip to Colorado in 7th grade, the night before I was supposed to leave for a youth camp, and twice on a Mission trip to Mexico my sophomore year. Needless to say, I have a history of getting sick on trips. I am much better now, and I'm glad it was only a 1-day thing.
The Oasis is beautiful in so many different ways. The actual place is in the mountains with an absolutely beautiful skyline, and it's green everywhere (that's a big deal for a girl born and raised in West Texas)! The staff here is so loving and selfless. The house mothers, we call them Tías, are some of the sweetest women I have ever met, and so good with the girls! The girls are just wonderful! A few younger girls, Roxy, Laura, and Carolina, have been the easiest to play with and talk to. The teenage girls are taking a little more time to warm up to me and the other interns, but that is to be expected. It will only take time. I have had the opportunity to tutor Laura and Carolina in the afternoon. These girls are quite the handful, and I can tell they get frustrated easily. They are 8 and 11 years old and both can't read. I hurt for them because I know how much they want to learn, but they so easily give up when things get challenging. I am hoping to continue to encourage them and hopefully convey to them how smart they both are!
It will take a little time to develop some deeper relationships in order to more easily talk about God and the Gospel, but I see the Tías and other staff members doing an amazing job always speaking truth and wisdom to these girls in love and grace. In a few weeks, all of the interns get to share our testimonies! I'm praying that God will give me wisdom during this time. I'm still struggling with some nasty, wicked sin in my heart, but all I can do is pray and seek God every moment of everyday in order to give me the strength and wisdom to deal with the specific challenges I face every day.
Please pray for these precious girls. They are so sweet and joyful, but they are still dealing with some very hard issues. They have all been abused by their families in some form: sexually, physically, emotionally, or a combination of the three. Pray that God will heal their hearts, and that they will come to accept His deep, unexplainable, unconditional, amazing love for us; that they would accept the truth of who they are, daughters of the Most High King!
My time here is amazing, but I still miss my family, friends, and boyfriend. I can't wait to be able to share all of my experiences with them when I get back to the States. I also found out that I will be able to visit my sister in Antigua in 3 weeks when she comes to Guatemala with a team from The Village! Whoop! Until next time, please continue to pray for these girls, and for my time here! I love you all and cant thank everyone enough for supporting and praying for me during this time! :)
And by the way...trying to explain a ring dunk in Spanish is really difficult. Just FYI.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Are we there yet!?
It's FINALLY time! Tomorrow morning I will finally get to start working at The Oasis and it is an understatement to say that I am beyond excited! I am so ready to meet all of those sweet girls and love them as much as I can! My only desire is to show them the Love of God in any way that I can! I'm so anxious to be there and build relationships that I know will stay with me for many years to come. While I know there will be challenges, I have no doubt that God's strength and love will bring me through, as it has so many time already.
Orientation with the other interns has been a lot of fun! We watched Barcelona BTHO Manchester U! Whoop! Messi absolutely dominated. The best part about it was watching it with about 15 jovenes that Mike and Sandi do a lot of work with! We all repped our Barcelona jerseys and had a blast. We also watched a beautiful and moving documentary called Reparando which highlights a very dangerous area in Guatemala city known as La Limonada. I highly recommend this movie to everyone! I plan on ordering a copy when I get back to the States. Prepare for your heart to be broken for these people.
The documentary also highlighted The Guatemala City dump. It is one of the largest dumps in Central America, the length of nearly 24 football fields. Every day, thousands of men and women who live right next to the dump sift through garbage for 8-10 hours everyday trying to find things of value that can be recycled for money. Most people make barely $3-$5 everyday. We saw that dump today. The smell alone was enough to make my stomach hurt. Since it was a Sunday we only saw one or two scavengers but it was all I could do not to start crying. The amount of poverty and hardship of these people is a direct effect of the brokenness and sin of this world. I thought back to how much I have in The States and how blessed I have been. My heart absolutely broke. I could only look at the dump for a few minutes before I had to turn away. It was absolutely heart wrenching. God is showing me so much and from the short amount of time that I have been here, God has placed a very specific prayer on my heart for this country! It is such a beautiful place but it also has so much darkness. The believers here have so much hope and joy from God! I feel so blessed that God has allowed me to see that and learn about these people and their culture for this short time.
I still miss my amazing family and friends from The States but I've fallen in love with this place. It is still so challenging, and God has revealed so much about my heart that has not been easy to deal with. I know that it will continue to be challenging but I see so much of Him in this beautiful place. I have heard and seen some very difficult things. I have a feeling that when I leave this place in July, I will leave a piece of my heart here as well.
Orientation with the other interns has been a lot of fun! We watched Barcelona BTHO Manchester U! Whoop! Messi absolutely dominated. The best part about it was watching it with about 15 jovenes that Mike and Sandi do a lot of work with! We all repped our Barcelona jerseys and had a blast. We also watched a beautiful and moving documentary called Reparando which highlights a very dangerous area in Guatemala city known as La Limonada. I highly recommend this movie to everyone! I plan on ordering a copy when I get back to the States. Prepare for your heart to be broken for these people.
The documentary also highlighted The Guatemala City dump. It is one of the largest dumps in Central America, the length of nearly 24 football fields. Every day, thousands of men and women who live right next to the dump sift through garbage for 8-10 hours everyday trying to find things of value that can be recycled for money. Most people make barely $3-$5 everyday. We saw that dump today. The smell alone was enough to make my stomach hurt. Since it was a Sunday we only saw one or two scavengers but it was all I could do not to start crying. The amount of poverty and hardship of these people is a direct effect of the brokenness and sin of this world. I thought back to how much I have in The States and how blessed I have been. My heart absolutely broke. I could only look at the dump for a few minutes before I had to turn away. It was absolutely heart wrenching. God is showing me so much and from the short amount of time that I have been here, God has placed a very specific prayer on my heart for this country! It is such a beautiful place but it also has so much darkness. The believers here have so much hope and joy from God! I feel so blessed that God has allowed me to see that and learn about these people and their culture for this short time.
I still miss my amazing family and friends from The States but I've fallen in love with this place. It is still so challenging, and God has revealed so much about my heart that has not been easy to deal with. I know that it will continue to be challenging but I see so much of Him in this beautiful place. I have heard and seen some very difficult things. I have a feeling that when I leave this place in July, I will leave a piece of my heart here as well.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Almost 2 weeks
Tuesday will mark 2 weeks that I have been in Guatemala, and it will also be my last day in Antigua. I can only praise The Lord for His grace and strength in bringing me through the culture shock and intense homesickness I have been feeling. I am learning to love this culture and the people more and more every single day. Now that I have started to adjust and my Spanish continues to improve, I am more able to focus on why the Lord has called me to this trip in this specific time.
On Tuesday, the Glicks will come pick me after language school. On Wedensday, we will go pick up 3 other interns from the airport who will be flying in! I am so excited to meet the girls I will be working with, and I am SO happy to finally have people to really talk to! We will have 4 days of Orientation, sight seeing, and a little bit more language training. I will arrive at The Oasis on Monday, May 30. I am so excited to finally see where I will be working for the rest of the summer!
God continues to challenge me and reveal a lot of messy, wicked sin that so often consumes my heart. He has revealed idolatry for so many different things, a pride that has no ground in antyhing whatsoever, and many times a downright rebellious attitude to God´s will for my time here. So all that baggage and sin didn´t just leave my heart at the airport in Houston? Who knew, right? Praise the Lord that He is not surprised by any of it!
I am excited to get to go to the market today and explore/barter. I will love finding some tangible things to hold on to from this trip and gifts for everyone! I got an email a few minutes ago from a couple who works at an orphanage in Guatemala City called Fundaniños. They used to go to New Life and are supported through the church, but I have never met them. They are in Antigua today and I am REALLY hoping that I can meet up with them for a few hours! It would be wonderful to meet them and spend time hearing about their ministry and time so far in Guatemala.
God has been so amazing to allow my support system to not only remain strong in the States, but even grow. I have receieved email after email from family, friends, friends of my parents, and several people that I usually only talk to once or twice a year. He has used those people to just speak encouragement, truth, and Scripture into my life. I am so greatful for all all of these people that God has placed in my life, especially in this time! I have also been able to utilize modern technology and skype with my boyfriend and sister. It has helped so much, and while I don´t think that will be possible once I get to The Oasis, having that blessing during this time has been absolutely wonderful! I never knew how thankful I could be for video chat and email!
I can see God´s hand in every single area of this trip, and He is providing in so many ways, probably even in ways that I am unaware of. I can´t wait to see His work at The Oasis and in the other ministries that I have had a small glimpse of! I can truly say, without question or doubt, that I now know Christ is absolutely enough for me. My sins are still a battle to work through, but as He sanctifies me and grows me (as hard as it is sometimes), I feel Him drawing me closer to Him and it is absolutely beautiful!
Thank you to everyone who reads this and prays for me and sends me encouraging emails and words of wisdom and truth! I love you all, and I cannot wait to come back and tell all of the stories of how God has worked in this time!
My God, my Sweet King is my all, my everything...more now, than EVER before!
On Tuesday, the Glicks will come pick me after language school. On Wedensday, we will go pick up 3 other interns from the airport who will be flying in! I am so excited to meet the girls I will be working with, and I am SO happy to finally have people to really talk to! We will have 4 days of Orientation, sight seeing, and a little bit more language training. I will arrive at The Oasis on Monday, May 30. I am so excited to finally see where I will be working for the rest of the summer!
God continues to challenge me and reveal a lot of messy, wicked sin that so often consumes my heart. He has revealed idolatry for so many different things, a pride that has no ground in antyhing whatsoever, and many times a downright rebellious attitude to God´s will for my time here. So all that baggage and sin didn´t just leave my heart at the airport in Houston? Who knew, right? Praise the Lord that He is not surprised by any of it!
I am excited to get to go to the market today and explore/barter. I will love finding some tangible things to hold on to from this trip and gifts for everyone! I got an email a few minutes ago from a couple who works at an orphanage in Guatemala City called Fundaniños. They used to go to New Life and are supported through the church, but I have never met them. They are in Antigua today and I am REALLY hoping that I can meet up with them for a few hours! It would be wonderful to meet them and spend time hearing about their ministry and time so far in Guatemala.
God has been so amazing to allow my support system to not only remain strong in the States, but even grow. I have receieved email after email from family, friends, friends of my parents, and several people that I usually only talk to once or twice a year. He has used those people to just speak encouragement, truth, and Scripture into my life. I am so greatful for all all of these people that God has placed in my life, especially in this time! I have also been able to utilize modern technology and skype with my boyfriend and sister. It has helped so much, and while I don´t think that will be possible once I get to The Oasis, having that blessing during this time has been absolutely wonderful! I never knew how thankful I could be for video chat and email!
I can see God´s hand in every single area of this trip, and He is providing in so many ways, probably even in ways that I am unaware of. I can´t wait to see His work at The Oasis and in the other ministries that I have had a small glimpse of! I can truly say, without question or doubt, that I now know Christ is absolutely enough for me. My sins are still a battle to work through, but as He sanctifies me and grows me (as hard as it is sometimes), I feel Him drawing me closer to Him and it is absolutely beautiful!
Thank you to everyone who reads this and prays for me and sends me encouraging emails and words of wisdom and truth! I love you all, and I cannot wait to come back and tell all of the stories of how God has worked in this time!
My God, my Sweet King is my all, my everything...more now, than EVER before!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
"Do you believe I am truly enough?"
When I was preparing for this trip, several close friends, family, and I all prayed that The Lord would go before and prepare the way for me. Little did I know, in going before me, he had prepared this very simple question that has met me head on, "Do you believe that I am truly enough?"
It would be a lie to say that my first few days here have not been hard, in fact, they have been some of the hardest I have ever had to face. My Spanish needs a lot more work than I thought, which makes communicating with people very difficult. I am going through a lot of culture shock. I miss my parents, my sister, my friends, and my boyfriend. All of these people who play such an integral role in my life can only be accessed through email and the occasional skype conversation. Also, being disconnected from a strong church body has been one of the hardest things. All of this combined has created some very challening days.
So this question has slapped me in the face. Without comfort, the ability to communicate, safety, friends, family, and a church Body, do I TRULY believe that God is enough for me? The Sunday before I left, my pastor, Allen, gave a sermon about idols and used this definition: Idols are good things that people turn in to ultimate things. As the Lord has begun to reveal the insane amount of idolatry in my heart, I have to face the fact that a lot of the time, my sinful heart doesn't believe that God is enough.
As I sit in another country, alone for the most part, I realize that there is no reason to believe that He is not enough. He is bigger than safety, language barriers, comfort, and homesickness. He is the Lord of Lords, and He has called me to this for a specific reason.
I pray daily that I can lean on Him with every fiber of my being and that everyday I will draw closer to Him.
It would be a lie to say that my first few days here have not been hard, in fact, they have been some of the hardest I have ever had to face. My Spanish needs a lot more work than I thought, which makes communicating with people very difficult. I am going through a lot of culture shock. I miss my parents, my sister, my friends, and my boyfriend. All of these people who play such an integral role in my life can only be accessed through email and the occasional skype conversation. Also, being disconnected from a strong church body has been one of the hardest things. All of this combined has created some very challening days.
So this question has slapped me in the face. Without comfort, the ability to communicate, safety, friends, family, and a church Body, do I TRULY believe that God is enough for me? The Sunday before I left, my pastor, Allen, gave a sermon about idols and used this definition: Idols are good things that people turn in to ultimate things. As the Lord has begun to reveal the insane amount of idolatry in my heart, I have to face the fact that a lot of the time, my sinful heart doesn't believe that God is enough.
As I sit in another country, alone for the most part, I realize that there is no reason to believe that He is not enough. He is bigger than safety, language barriers, comfort, and homesickness. He is the Lord of Lords, and He has called me to this for a specific reason.
I pray daily that I can lean on Him with every fiber of my being and that everyday I will draw closer to Him.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Finally Here!
This will be a short post because it has been a long day and I am exhausted!!
I am so glad to FINALLY be in Guatemala! My mind is all jumbled up with different emotions and thoughts, coupled with exhaustion. I have been up since 5:20 am, and I haven't gotten a break yet, but I love it.
Mike and Sandi, the CAM missionaries, have been wonderful. They are helping me get accustomed to the culture and lifestyle down here, and they have been so welcoming. I am already falling in love with the people here, but I can also tell that I am going to struggle with homesickness. Right now, 10 weeks feels like a super long time to be away from my family and friends, but 10 weeks from now I will look back at this and realize how short of a time it really was.
My prayer is that the Lord will use me in a way that absolutely shocks me. I pray that I can just get out of His way and let Him work and move in such a way that when I look back on it, the only explanation is GOD!
For now, please pray for:
-Boldness both in sharing the Gospel and in speaking Spanish (I have been very timid to use my Spanish so far)
-God's will to be done in every aspect of this trip
-A willing heart to learn this language/culture/people
-Safety, but not at the expense of God's will being done and His glory reigning through this mission.
I love you all and I will post a longer blog soon :D
I am so glad to FINALLY be in Guatemala! My mind is all jumbled up with different emotions and thoughts, coupled with exhaustion. I have been up since 5:20 am, and I haven't gotten a break yet, but I love it.
Mike and Sandi, the CAM missionaries, have been wonderful. They are helping me get accustomed to the culture and lifestyle down here, and they have been so welcoming. I am already falling in love with the people here, but I can also tell that I am going to struggle with homesickness. Right now, 10 weeks feels like a super long time to be away from my family and friends, but 10 weeks from now I will look back at this and realize how short of a time it really was.
My prayer is that the Lord will use me in a way that absolutely shocks me. I pray that I can just get out of His way and let Him work and move in such a way that when I look back on it, the only explanation is GOD!
For now, please pray for:
-Boldness both in sharing the Gospel and in speaking Spanish (I have been very timid to use my Spanish so far)
-God's will to be done in every aspect of this trip
-A willing heart to learn this language/culture/people
-Safety, but not at the expense of God's will being done and His glory reigning through this mission.
I love you all and I will post a longer blog soon :D
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Single Digits
Today marks T-9 days before I leave. I'm in the single digits of the countdown. A few days ago I looked back at all the emails I had in correspondence with CAM and realized that this has been in the making for over a year (even though God prepared for it before I was ever brought into existence by Him). My first email dates back to March 22, 2010. That's insane! I have been praying about this and preparing for this for so long, and now it is ALMOST here! I have all my shots and vaccinations, have filled out my paperwork, have done all the logistical things I could, and by the beautiful provision of God raised all the money that I need (PRAISE THE LORD!).
Now, it's actually time to go. No more talking, contemplating, or planning. The only thing left is to pack my suitcase, get on that plane next Tuesday, and step out in faith. I have been given such amazing words of encouragement from my parents, other family members, amazing boyfriend, and beautiful friends. I can honestly say that while there is so much I can't really prepare my heart for until I am there, I truly feel that my heart is ready. In the Great Commission, Christ never said "Go and make disciples if you feel called." He simply said "GO". I don't really see much of a choice or suggestion in that. God has given us a CLEAR commandment to go. Not everyone will be called to overseas missions, but all of us have been called. As my pastor, Allen, has put it, "Christian and missionary are and should be synonyms."
Sharing the Gospel is not an option, nor should it be considered a terrible burden on the life of a Christian. The Gospel, the good news of Jesus Christ, is the greatest love story ever told. And here it is:
God, the sustainer and creator of all things, created the world and all that is in the world. He created man in His image for His glory. Man, namely Adam and Eve, sinned against God, causing separation between God and Man. Because of this separation we can no longer live in harmony with God. However, in His infinite and indescribable grace and mercy, God gave His son, Jesus Christ over to the world. Christ was born of a virgin, Mary, and lived a perfect, sinless life, preaching about God and His love for all mankind. Christ became the atonement for the sins of all people, past, present, and future. He was crucified on the cross and rose from the dead three days later, signifying that He conquered death and atoned for sins. On the part of any man or woman who comes to believe in God, it is only by God's grace that we are saved. When our hearts become softened to this great love story, and we not only believe all of these things, but have a repentant heart and name Jesus Christ as the ruler and Lord of our life, only then are we saved.
Our purpose and lives as believers should be marked by that truth. That Jesus Christ who was fully God and fully man, sacrificed Himself in his infinite love and paid our debt that we could never pay. Our lives as believers should reflect that beautiful and undeserved sacrifice. THAT is why I am going to Guatemala, and THAT is where the purpose of my life begins. I am here to glorify God and proclaim His name. Whether that is in College Station, TX or Guatemala City, I am here for HIM, for Christ and Christ alone.
He is my protector, savior, and Lord over my life. He decided my paths, and He will make them straight. My career path is not my own, my money is not my own, my time is not my own, my life is not my own. It is fully and completely His. If you call yourself a Christian, understand that your life, your time, your money, your ____________ should not be your own.
Now, it's actually time to go. No more talking, contemplating, or planning. The only thing left is to pack my suitcase, get on that plane next Tuesday, and step out in faith. I have been given such amazing words of encouragement from my parents, other family members, amazing boyfriend, and beautiful friends. I can honestly say that while there is so much I can't really prepare my heart for until I am there, I truly feel that my heart is ready. In the Great Commission, Christ never said "Go and make disciples if you feel called." He simply said "GO". I don't really see much of a choice or suggestion in that. God has given us a CLEAR commandment to go. Not everyone will be called to overseas missions, but all of us have been called. As my pastor, Allen, has put it, "Christian and missionary are and should be synonyms."
Sharing the Gospel is not an option, nor should it be considered a terrible burden on the life of a Christian. The Gospel, the good news of Jesus Christ, is the greatest love story ever told. And here it is:
God, the sustainer and creator of all things, created the world and all that is in the world. He created man in His image for His glory. Man, namely Adam and Eve, sinned against God, causing separation between God and Man. Because of this separation we can no longer live in harmony with God. However, in His infinite and indescribable grace and mercy, God gave His son, Jesus Christ over to the world. Christ was born of a virgin, Mary, and lived a perfect, sinless life, preaching about God and His love for all mankind. Christ became the atonement for the sins of all people, past, present, and future. He was crucified on the cross and rose from the dead three days later, signifying that He conquered death and atoned for sins. On the part of any man or woman who comes to believe in God, it is only by God's grace that we are saved. When our hearts become softened to this great love story, and we not only believe all of these things, but have a repentant heart and name Jesus Christ as the ruler and Lord of our life, only then are we saved.
Our purpose and lives as believers should be marked by that truth. That Jesus Christ who was fully God and fully man, sacrificed Himself in his infinite love and paid our debt that we could never pay. Our lives as believers should reflect that beautiful and undeserved sacrifice. THAT is why I am going to Guatemala, and THAT is where the purpose of my life begins. I am here to glorify God and proclaim His name. Whether that is in College Station, TX or Guatemala City, I am here for HIM, for Christ and Christ alone.
He is my protector, savior, and Lord over my life. He decided my paths, and He will make them straight. My career path is not my own, my money is not my own, my time is not my own, my life is not my own. It is fully and completely His. If you call yourself a Christian, understand that your life, your time, your money, your ____________ should not be your own.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
"If I Die in Guatemala, I die in Guatemala. If I don't, I don't."
What might seem like a pretty morbid quote to start off this post is actually a direct quote from the sermon I heard tonight at church, New Life, from my pastor, Allen.
We are going through a series on Ruth at New Life, and tonight the sermon was all about trusting in God's providential care for our lives. It was a sermon I definitely needed to hear, and not just in terms of my upcoming trip. There were some amazing things that Allen said that God used to really speak to me.
1. Allen explained that people can do one of two things when they don't fully trust in God with their futures. The first is Frantic Activity; people will go crazy trying to make every possible preparation and go to extended, almost crazy lengths to make sure their future is taken care of. They micromanage everything in their life and won't stop until they get exactly what they want. The second is despondency; basically it's pure laziness. These people do virtually nothing to work for things in their future. These are the people who are careless about their future and are not proactive in the slightest bit. Of course, these are two extremes, but, like all extremes, people usually err on one side or the other. I am the type of person who errs on the side of despondency. I would rather just not think about my future, and I tend to always say, "it will take care of itself." While I can't do this sermon justice, Allen explained that both sides of this spectrum are wrong. The Frantic Activity holds so tightly to control over the future, that letting God take control is close to impossible. The despondency pushes God's omniscience and providential care to the side; his control over our lives is out of sight, out of mind. As Allen spoke, I realized that because I err on the side of despondency, I have not come to terms with what my future might look like. It is a GOOD thing to prepare for and think about my future. It should just be thought of in terms of GOD'S WILL for what my future should look like. Pushing it out of my mind is just as reckless as thinking about it 24/7/365.
2. Allen talked specifically about death. As humans, we will ALL suffer the penalty of death. We are sinful both by nature and choice. We will all die. But another beautiful thing about having a life in Christ is that we can live without fear of death. We know for an absolute fact that it is coming, but we can also rest in the fact that we will be reconciled to Christ after death.
3. Several members of our church are taking a week-long mission trip to Guatemala over spring break. As Allen unpacked this idea of death and what our view of it should be, he brought up Guatemala. Simply put, it's not a very safe place to live. That's when he uttered the words that title this post, "If I die in Guatemala, I die in Guatemala. If I don't, I don't." He went on to explain that because God is in control, the day that we die and leave this earth is the day that THE LORD WILLED. None of us will die any sooner than when it is God's will for us to be dead. It made me come to terms with the fact that I could die in Guatemala. I don't say that to make myself seem like a martyr or put some sort of ominous weight on this trip. Frankly, I could step outside tomorrow and get hit by a bus. NONE OF US ARE GUARANTEED TOMORROW! I am not even guaranteed that I will live long enough to go on this trip. I prepare for it and plan for it because I firmly believe that is God's will for my life. If I die tomorrow, to God be the glory. If I die in Guatemala, to God be the Glory. If I die when I'm 85 with a husband, children, and grandchildren to succeed me, once again, to God be the glory!
We must trust in God's providential care for our life. He will take care of our necessities. As Allen said tonight (I am paraphrasing), "Our greatest necessity is not any earthly need. Our greatest necessity is reconciliation to God, The Father." God has already given us our greatest need, how much more proof do we want that he will provide for our earthly needs as well? So, if I die in Guatemala, then I die in Guatemala. If I don't, I don't. But either way, WHEN I die, it will undoubtedly be the very second that God wills it to be.
"Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?" -Matthew 6:26-27
We are going through a series on Ruth at New Life, and tonight the sermon was all about trusting in God's providential care for our lives. It was a sermon I definitely needed to hear, and not just in terms of my upcoming trip. There were some amazing things that Allen said that God used to really speak to me.
1. Allen explained that people can do one of two things when they don't fully trust in God with their futures. The first is Frantic Activity; people will go crazy trying to make every possible preparation and go to extended, almost crazy lengths to make sure their future is taken care of. They micromanage everything in their life and won't stop until they get exactly what they want. The second is despondency; basically it's pure laziness. These people do virtually nothing to work for things in their future. These are the people who are careless about their future and are not proactive in the slightest bit. Of course, these are two extremes, but, like all extremes, people usually err on one side or the other. I am the type of person who errs on the side of despondency. I would rather just not think about my future, and I tend to always say, "it will take care of itself." While I can't do this sermon justice, Allen explained that both sides of this spectrum are wrong. The Frantic Activity holds so tightly to control over the future, that letting God take control is close to impossible. The despondency pushes God's omniscience and providential care to the side; his control over our lives is out of sight, out of mind. As Allen spoke, I realized that because I err on the side of despondency, I have not come to terms with what my future might look like. It is a GOOD thing to prepare for and think about my future. It should just be thought of in terms of GOD'S WILL for what my future should look like. Pushing it out of my mind is just as reckless as thinking about it 24/7/365.
2. Allen talked specifically about death. As humans, we will ALL suffer the penalty of death. We are sinful both by nature and choice. We will all die. But another beautiful thing about having a life in Christ is that we can live without fear of death. We know for an absolute fact that it is coming, but we can also rest in the fact that we will be reconciled to Christ after death.
3. Several members of our church are taking a week-long mission trip to Guatemala over spring break. As Allen unpacked this idea of death and what our view of it should be, he brought up Guatemala. Simply put, it's not a very safe place to live. That's when he uttered the words that title this post, "If I die in Guatemala, I die in Guatemala. If I don't, I don't." He went on to explain that because God is in control, the day that we die and leave this earth is the day that THE LORD WILLED. None of us will die any sooner than when it is God's will for us to be dead. It made me come to terms with the fact that I could die in Guatemala. I don't say that to make myself seem like a martyr or put some sort of ominous weight on this trip. Frankly, I could step outside tomorrow and get hit by a bus. NONE OF US ARE GUARANTEED TOMORROW! I am not even guaranteed that I will live long enough to go on this trip. I prepare for it and plan for it because I firmly believe that is God's will for my life. If I die tomorrow, to God be the glory. If I die in Guatemala, to God be the Glory. If I die when I'm 85 with a husband, children, and grandchildren to succeed me, once again, to God be the glory!
We must trust in God's providential care for our life. He will take care of our necessities. As Allen said tonight (I am paraphrasing), "Our greatest necessity is not any earthly need. Our greatest necessity is reconciliation to God, The Father." God has already given us our greatest need, how much more proof do we want that he will provide for our earthly needs as well? So, if I die in Guatemala, then I die in Guatemala. If I don't, I don't. But either way, WHEN I die, it will undoubtedly be the very second that God wills it to be.
"Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?" -Matthew 6:26-27
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Tickets
Today has been a memorable day. I kind of took what I consider to be the "last step" in this whole preparation process. I purchased my plane tickets. Every time I post, I say how much more real this whole thing is becoming, and the same holds true tonight. I don't think what I am doing is going to sink in until I actually board my flight in Houston, but this is just crazy. I not only know the days that I will get there, but I know exact times of day.
It was a big deal for me to finally purchase those plane tickets and to finally have a tangible view of this trip. When I purchased the tickets I was asked, "How do you feel?" My answer was, "A little bit of everything...excited, anxious, nervous, happy, curious..." But now, as I sit here writing this I feel only one thing, a sure sense from the Lord that this trip for the summer is undoubtedly from Him. I feel a beautiful peace about it. My safety will be much less, my comfort zone is going to be MILES from home, my support system will be gone, and yet I have never felt so much beautiful confidence in the Lord that I will be completely taken care of. He is with me, and is leading me to this place for a purpose. All I can do is trust His will and set my eyes towards Him in worship to the ultimate end of glorifying His name and living for HIS KINGDOM.
It was a big deal for me to finally purchase those plane tickets and to finally have a tangible view of this trip. When I purchased the tickets I was asked, "How do you feel?" My answer was, "A little bit of everything...excited, anxious, nervous, happy, curious..." But now, as I sit here writing this I feel only one thing, a sure sense from the Lord that this trip for the summer is undoubtedly from Him. I feel a beautiful peace about it. My safety will be much less, my comfort zone is going to be MILES from home, my support system will be gone, and yet I have never felt so much beautiful confidence in the Lord that I will be completely taken care of. He is with me, and is leading me to this place for a purpose. All I can do is trust His will and set my eyes towards Him in worship to the ultimate end of glorifying His name and living for HIS KINGDOM.
Sing to the Lord a new song, his praise from the end of the earth, you who go down to the sea, and all that fills it, the coastlands and their inhabitants. Let the desert and its cities lift up their voice, the villages that Kedar inhabits; let the habitants of Sela sing for joy, let them shout from the top of the mountains. Let them give glory to the Lord, and declare his praise in the coastlands.-Isaiah 42:10-12
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)