The Wall

For this light momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. -1 Corinthians 4:17-18

As I sit here in my seventh week in Guatemala with six weeks behind me, I am facing a wall, a wall that I have been hitting since I landed at the airport in Guatemala City back in May. The wall that asks several questions: Why am I here? What does God want from me here? Why did He call me to this specific place in Guatemala? Those questions and several others have been on my mind since before this trip began, and, for the most part, I have yet to get an answer for any of them. Of course, I completely understand that the general purpose for this trip is to serve these girls at The Oasis and to be obedient to God’s purpose for me this summer. However, this wall is more about the question of specifics. How is serving these girls and portraying God’s love supposed to manifest itself in this internship? Anyone can come in and play with or tutor young girls, but how is that supposed to look in terms of God’s love?

As of now, I have only been able to build surface-level friendships with the girls here, and I am struggling to find opportunities to take those to a deeper level, partially because of the language barrier that still exists. Even though I have been here for a month and a half, I don’t see my Spanish improving enough to share a deep conversation. All of this just causes frustration and questions in my mind. I have yet to actually share the Gospel with any of these girls past sharing my testimony. As I go through everyday just playing with the girls and trying to get to know them better, there is always that same question in the back of my mind: What’s the point if I’m not sharing the Gospel?

It’s not that these girls haven’t heard the truth of God because they hear it all the time here, at school, and at church. I feel like I should be showing them what it actually looks like to live a life centered on the truth that they are hearing, but how can I do that if I don’t talk about it? These are all just frustrations that prove how small I am and how big God is. I seek Him everyday in trying to understand what my purpose is for this moment in time, but I also know that I have to have faith and trust that even if He does not reveal a perfect, black and white reason for this trip, and even if He does not allow me to see any fruit from my time here, I have to concern myself with being obedient to Him and trusting that He will use me whether I can see it or not.

I think part of my problem stems from the issue of pride. My sinful heart wants to be able to go back to the States and tell my family and friends about the trip in terms of my successes. Two things right off the bat (and so many more) are fundamentally wrong with that. The first is that any success that I do see here is not mine. It will just be God’s blessing on my life to be able to see Him working in a tangible way. If He allows me to see fruit in my time here, that has EVERYTHING to do with Him and NOTHING to do with me. If he doesn't allow me to see fruit here, that doesn't mean that this trip was a failure. The second is that this trip is not even a matter of success and failure but of love, service, and worship. If I use this time to serve the girls here, show them love, and ultimately use this time in my life to worship God, I can’t be worried about whether I was “successful.” God will use me in this time if and when He chooses, but my sinful, prideful nature still wants to take credit for any good thing that happens here. My pride just keeps telling me that I do not want to leave in 3 ½ weeks feeling like a failure.

The truth is that I already am a failure. As I have said in my support video, I fail in every area of my life every single day, and I have to ask God for forgiveness and grace in every aspect of my life. How did I think that my time here would be any different?

All I can do is pray, seek God, and wrestle with Him in the desert in these times of frustration and inability to fully understand my purpose here. I still don’t fully understand what it looks like to serve these girls in a way that displays the love of God as the driving force. All I can practically do is seek God, and wait on Him to guide me in this area every single day. I am sure I am not alone when I say, “Easier said than done!” God is growing my faith so much, even when it feels like I can barely hang on!

As always, please continue to pray for me with these things, and pray for the girls here. I am so excited to report that tonight I, along with the 3 other interns here, are leading a devotional for all of the girls. I am giving my part over Romans 8:38-39 which says, “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Please pray that as I share the truth of God’s unconditional love with these girls that their hearts will be open to accept His love, His grace, and His beautiful undeserved forgiveness in their lives.

I pray that even though I keep hitting this wall that God will continue to guide me and provide all of the strength I need. I am growing weary, and my time here is never going to be anything of value if I am not leaning on the Lord through the entirety of this trip. I love these sweet girls so much, and I so desperately want to see them fall in love with the Lord. I can only imagine how much more God wants that for them too.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest in your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. –Matthew 11:28-30

WHOAAH! We're halfway there!

WHOAAH! Livin' on a prayer!

So today officially marks 5 weeks that I have been in Guatemala, the halfway point. Now that I have finally gotten used to life in Guatemala, it definitely does not feel like I have been here for 5 weeks. I also know that the last half of this internship is going to go by so fast!

We have a lot of stuff coming up that I am super excited about! This Saturday the three other interns and I are getting a day away from The Oasis, which all of us are really needing! We are going to climb Pacaya, the active volcano that erupted last May, and spend the day just marveling at God´s power in His creation. Needless to say, all of us are very excited! Next weekend, we are taking some of the older girls to a Christian music festival, Explo Music Fest, on Friday night; but I am probably most excited about that Saturday because I am making a day trip to Antigua (my favorite place in Guatemala so far) where I will get to see my sister who will be here from June 16-26 on a mission trip with The Village Church from Dallas. Getting to spend the day with my sister is going to be so wonderful! The next weekend all of the interns are taking a trip with the director of The Oasis and his family to Panajachel which is on Lake Atitlan. I have heard that it is absolutely beautiful, and I am going to love the relaxation!

With all of these awesome experiences taking up several of my weekends, I know that I am going to blink and the next 5 weeks will be over. No matter how great I feel here, it is still such a challenge. My biggest challenge right now is finding time to just be alone with The Lord and allow Him to restore me. I still catch myself trying to rely on my own strength sometimes, and I have to constantly check my heart to make sure that the love I am trying to show these girls is out of pure motives to glorify God, not to make myself feel good or righteous. As always, I miss home. I know being able to see Casey is going to be such a blessing from God, and I know I am going to enjoy that time so much!

God is refusing to let up on pounding my flesh and chiseling at my soul every single day. He has continually revealed sin in my life that basically revolves around pride, self-righteousness, and a lacking in faith. I never realized how much I tried to rely on myself before this trip and how little I understood that ¨my¨ strength is only provided by the grace of God. He is continually showing me how big He is and how small I am. I have been reading the Psalms, and it has been a beautiful encouragement! My time here will mean NOTHING if it is not powered by strength, grace, and love from the Lord. I am at awe everyday about His sacrifice on the cross and the grace that comes with that even when I ignore His sovereignty over my life.

I will close with an awesome story that is just a tangible example of an answered prayer: I had explained earlier in one of my posts about how the older girls had been taking a lot longer to warm up to me. One girl in particular wanted very little to do with me (the Oasis is trying to be very sensitive with posting names online so I will call her Dee). Dee lives in the house where I eat breakfast and dinner. She has been nice and polite, but had been keeping me at arms length. A couple of days ago, Lydia (another intern) and I were sitting outside singing a few worship songs in Spanish as she played her guitar. We started messing around with Revelation Song, which has a beautiful Spanish version. As we were singing Dee came up and asked if we could practice with her because she knew the song on the piano. Lydia played guitar, Dee played piano, and another Oasis girl and I sang. We ended up playing worships songs for almost 2 hours before dinner. It was a very sweet blessing. After dinner their youth pastor came over to pray over Dee. She has had back problems in the past, so we all prayed over her health. After the youth minister left she came and sat in my lap and laid her head on my shoulder. Neither of us said anything, and I just put my arms around her and hugged her. I had been praying that God would open up some sort of connection for us, so it was SO awesome to see that prayer answered.

I have so many stories already of God working here, and I feel SO blessed and SO humbled that God has given me the opportunity to see Him working in this place.

Please continue to pray for these sweet girls and for my time here to do nothing but glorify God!! Thank you to everyone who reads this, has been emailing me, and is praying for me. The support I have gotten has been SUCH an encouragement to me! This is definitely a very challenging, very tough time, but God is bringing me through it. His provision is always more than I ever deserve!

Because God Calls us to Forgive.

The past few days have been crazy, fun, and very emotional! This afternoon the 3 other interns and I held our first ever Oasis Field Day. We played a lot of different games including spinning on a bat and kicking a soccer goal, frisbee throw, obstacle course (complete with diapers filled with melted candy bars), bobbing for apples in water and marshmallows in powdered sugar, and messy dodgeball. Dodgeball definitely had to be my favorite. We created a concoction of cottage cheese, tuna, mayonnaise, ketchup, mustard, pudding, graham crackers, and a few other things to coat the dodgeballs in. It just ended up being a messy, ball-throwing free for all. I had the privilege of documenting the whole thing and ended up with 376 pictures. When I get back to the States I will have so many pictures to go through! As of today, after almost 5 weeks here, I have taken over 750 pictures. Needless to say, this trip will be very well documented after all is said and done!

I heard a story the other night from another intern and my roommate for the trip, Marissa. She was talking to one of the girls here and asked her about her story and how she ended up at The Oasis. After hearing her story, Marissa was shocked at the amount of abuse and heartache that she had suffered before coming here. This is a young girl who had been very upset last weekend when her mom didn´t come to visitor's day. Marissa and I were both very confused about after hearing her story. Marissa asked this girl, ¨Why do you want to see your Mom after all that she did to you?¨ Her response: ¨Because God calls us to forgive.¨ That has been one of the most powerful stories I have heard during my time here so far. Not only has this girl come to know the Lord, but she is a living example of true forgiveness. She has no hate, anger, or bitterness toward her Mom, only forgiveness. That kind of love on earth is hard to grasp, and it is just a small shadow of the love and forgiveness that Christ has for us. We are all sinners, and NONE of us are any better than the parents of these girls. We all need Christ, and we all need forgiveness. After hearing that story, the conviction in my heart was unreal, and my affections were so stirred towards God and His love, grace, and sacrifice on the Cross for our sins.

It's been a very good couple of days. I finally feel like I am getting into a groove, but I have to be SO careful not to start relying on my own strength. God in His power and mercy has brought me this far, and it is so crazy of me to think even for a second that I don't need him anymore than I did before to carry me through the rest of my time here. Today, however, has been uniquely challenging because today is my 6 month anniversary with my boyfriend. Now, compared to my parents who have been married for over 25 years, 6 months doesn´t seem like much to a lot of people, but it's still hard not to be there to celebrate with him. As with every other aspect of my life, God is teaching me that I have to COMPLETELY give this relationship up to him. Our main goal is to glorify Him in this relationship, and we cannot fully do that if I try to hold on to the relationship as if it's ultimate purpose is to benefit us. More than that, I have just been thinking about home a lot today. I still have a little over 5 weeks left, and at times I can grow weary when I think about that. As I have said before, I have never been this disconnected from my family, friends, and church family, especially not for such long period of time.

All I can do every single day is completely trust in the Lord. Each morning I have to check my heart to make sure my motives are pure. I sometimes find myself thinking that this is somehow supposed to be about benefiting me. While there is no doubt that I am benefiting because God is growing me and teaching me so many different things, that's not the end goal. The end goal is to glorify God. In this season of life, during this trip, that manifests itself by serving these sweet girls to the best of my ability (which is only ¨my¨ ability because God has provided me the strength).

I pray daily that God will show me how I am supposed to serve them each day and how I can be used by Him that day. I am enjoying my time with these girls so much, and every day, I realize that the more time I spend with them, the harder it will be to say goodbye. Please continue to pray for these girls and for my heart during this time to continually be stirred towards the love and grace of our Sweet King and Heavenly Father.

4 Weeks Already!?

So, as of today, I have been in Guatemala for 4 weeks. In all honesty, it feels like I have been here for about 4 months. Time seems to move quite a bit slower here, but I am learning to like it. I only have 6 weeks left, and when all is said and done, I know that I will feel like the time just flew by.

While I see God moving and working in so many different ways on this trip, my time here so far has been very challenging. Being away from my friends, family, and boyfriend have proved to be much harder than I was expecting. I am also finding it difficult to be disconnected from New Life, my church in College Station! God has continued to reveal sin in my life, and He has been continually pounding my flesh...its about as enjoyable as it sounds. I know He is working in my heart, and I am excited to see how much he grows me and reveals to me by the end of this trip.

The hardest thing so far is hearing the stories of why these girls are here. The only word I can use to describe so many of these stories is horrific, and that puts it lightly. It is very hard to accept or understand how God can love the parents who did this to their children. It is an amazing reminder of the beauty of God´s grace, and the fact that I am the worst of all sinners. I am no better than those parents, and God continually reminds me that I did nothing to earn His grace. Those reminders reveal the malice and hate that my sinful heart is capable of.

I am beginning to build some deeper relationships with these girls, and I hope those continue to grow as I share about how God has worked in my life. I am really looking forward to next Wednesday when all the interns get to share our testimonies. I have been so encouraged by how joyful these girls are. I know that they are all trying to heal from their pasts and have some hard issues to work through, but they are so willing to play and laugh and be silly with me.

The house that I eat breakfast and dinner with found out that I studied dance for 15 years. Tonight we are going to have our first ballet lesson after dinner. I am pretty excited about being able to use something that I loved and worked at for so many years in a way that can open the door to deeper relationships and sharing God´s love with these girls!

Please continue to pray for these sweet girls. I absolutely love being able to spend this time with them, and I ultimately just want them to see Christ, not me. I am learning more and more about God´s provision and strength every single day. He is providing for my every need, and I am amazed at how much He has already showed me and brought me through.

I know that this trip will continue to be challenging, and my only hope is to rest on Christ, and press into Him more and more everyday.

¿Estás enferma?

Getting sick on my trip here...check! I've been at The Oasis and the inevitable finally happened, I got
sick. For my family and I, this doesn't really come as a surprise. I've gotten sick: on a ski trip to Colorado in 7th grade, the night before I was supposed to leave for a youth camp, and twice on a Mission trip to Mexico my sophomore year. Needless to say, I have a history of getting sick on trips. I am much better now, and I'm glad it was only a 1-day thing.

The Oasis is beautiful in so many different ways. The actual place is in the mountains with an absolutely beautiful skyline, and it's green everywhere (that's a big deal for a girl born and raised in West Texas)! The staff here is so loving and selfless. The house mothers, we call them Tías, are some of the sweetest women I have ever met, and so good with the girls! The girls are just wonderful! A few younger girls, Roxy, Laura, and Carolina, have been the easiest to play with and talk to. The teenage girls are taking a little more time to warm up to me and the other interns, but that is to be expected. It will only take time. I have had the opportunity to tutor Laura and Carolina in the afternoon. These girls are quite the handful, and I can tell they get frustrated easily. They are 8 and 11 years old and both can't read. I hurt for them because I know how much they want to learn, but they so easily give up when things get challenging. I am hoping to continue to encourage them and hopefully convey to them how smart they both are!

It will take a little time to develop some deeper relationships in order to more easily talk about God and the Gospel, but I see the Tías and other staff members doing an amazing job always speaking truth and wisdom to these girls in love and grace. In a few weeks, all of the interns get to share our testimonies! I'm praying that God will give me wisdom during this time. I'm still struggling with some nasty, wicked sin in my heart, but all I can do is pray and seek God every moment of everyday in order to give me the strength and wisdom to deal with the specific challenges I face every day.

Please pray for these precious girls. They are so sweet and joyful, but they are still dealing with some very hard issues. They have all been abused by their families in some form: sexually, physically, emotionally, or a combination of the three. Pray that God will heal their hearts, and that they will come to accept His deep, unexplainable, unconditional, amazing love for us; that they would accept the truth of who they are, daughters of the Most High King!

My time here is amazing, but I still miss my family, friends, and boyfriend. I can't wait to be able to share all of my experiences with them when I get back to the States. I also found out that I will be able to visit my sister in Antigua in 3 weeks when she comes to Guatemala with a team from The Village! Whoop! Until next time, please continue to pray for these girls, and for my time here! I love you all and cant thank everyone enough for supporting and praying for me during this time! :)

And by the way...trying to explain a ring dunk in Spanish is really difficult. Just FYI.