The Wall

For this light momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. -1 Corinthians 4:17-18

As I sit here in my seventh week in Guatemala with six weeks behind me, I am facing a wall, a wall that I have been hitting since I landed at the airport in Guatemala City back in May. The wall that asks several questions: Why am I here? What does God want from me here? Why did He call me to this specific place in Guatemala? Those questions and several others have been on my mind since before this trip began, and, for the most part, I have yet to get an answer for any of them. Of course, I completely understand that the general purpose for this trip is to serve these girls at The Oasis and to be obedient to God’s purpose for me this summer. However, this wall is more about the question of specifics. How is serving these girls and portraying God’s love supposed to manifest itself in this internship? Anyone can come in and play with or tutor young girls, but how is that supposed to look in terms of God’s love?

As of now, I have only been able to build surface-level friendships with the girls here, and I am struggling to find opportunities to take those to a deeper level, partially because of the language barrier that still exists. Even though I have been here for a month and a half, I don’t see my Spanish improving enough to share a deep conversation. All of this just causes frustration and questions in my mind. I have yet to actually share the Gospel with any of these girls past sharing my testimony. As I go through everyday just playing with the girls and trying to get to know them better, there is always that same question in the back of my mind: What’s the point if I’m not sharing the Gospel?

It’s not that these girls haven’t heard the truth of God because they hear it all the time here, at school, and at church. I feel like I should be showing them what it actually looks like to live a life centered on the truth that they are hearing, but how can I do that if I don’t talk about it? These are all just frustrations that prove how small I am and how big God is. I seek Him everyday in trying to understand what my purpose is for this moment in time, but I also know that I have to have faith and trust that even if He does not reveal a perfect, black and white reason for this trip, and even if He does not allow me to see any fruit from my time here, I have to concern myself with being obedient to Him and trusting that He will use me whether I can see it or not.

I think part of my problem stems from the issue of pride. My sinful heart wants to be able to go back to the States and tell my family and friends about the trip in terms of my successes. Two things right off the bat (and so many more) are fundamentally wrong with that. The first is that any success that I do see here is not mine. It will just be God’s blessing on my life to be able to see Him working in a tangible way. If He allows me to see fruit in my time here, that has EVERYTHING to do with Him and NOTHING to do with me. If he doesn't allow me to see fruit here, that doesn't mean that this trip was a failure. The second is that this trip is not even a matter of success and failure but of love, service, and worship. If I use this time to serve the girls here, show them love, and ultimately use this time in my life to worship God, I can’t be worried about whether I was “successful.” God will use me in this time if and when He chooses, but my sinful, prideful nature still wants to take credit for any good thing that happens here. My pride just keeps telling me that I do not want to leave in 3 ½ weeks feeling like a failure.

The truth is that I already am a failure. As I have said in my support video, I fail in every area of my life every single day, and I have to ask God for forgiveness and grace in every aspect of my life. How did I think that my time here would be any different?

All I can do is pray, seek God, and wrestle with Him in the desert in these times of frustration and inability to fully understand my purpose here. I still don’t fully understand what it looks like to serve these girls in a way that displays the love of God as the driving force. All I can practically do is seek God, and wait on Him to guide me in this area every single day. I am sure I am not alone when I say, “Easier said than done!” God is growing my faith so much, even when it feels like I can barely hang on!

As always, please continue to pray for me with these things, and pray for the girls here. I am so excited to report that tonight I, along with the 3 other interns here, are leading a devotional for all of the girls. I am giving my part over Romans 8:38-39 which says, “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Please pray that as I share the truth of God’s unconditional love with these girls that their hearts will be open to accept His love, His grace, and His beautiful undeserved forgiveness in their lives.

I pray that even though I keep hitting this wall that God will continue to guide me and provide all of the strength I need. I am growing weary, and my time here is never going to be anything of value if I am not leaning on the Lord through the entirety of this trip. I love these sweet girls so much, and I so desperately want to see them fall in love with the Lord. I can only imagine how much more God wants that for them too.

Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest in your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. –Matthew 11:28-30