I will always lose.

One year ago today, I got an email from CAM International informing me that I had been accepted to this internship. One year. I seriously cannot believe that I have known about this internship for over a year, and now I sit here with only 2 weeks and 2 days left until I fly home. I remember getting that email and having a million different questions flood my mind: What would I be doing here? How would I feel once I actually got here? Would my Spanish improve? How many other interns would there be? Am I the only one who knows this far in advance?

As I think back on all of those questions and more all I can do is smile because my ideas about what this trip was going to look like did not even have the slightest resemblance to how things have gone so far. God has truly given me a curiosity for things, and my preconceived notions are never what anything really turns out to be.

Right now, my heart has become its own contradiction. When I realize that I only have 2 weeks left, I can’t help but be overwhelmed with joy that in a very short amount of time I get to be reunited with my family, friends, and all of the people back home in Texas that have loved me and supported me through this entire process. At the same time, this afternoon during lunch as I looked around the table at all of these sweet girls that I have grown to love and adore, I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed with emotion that I really only have 2 weeks left with these girls; and there is a chance that I may never see their sweet, smiling faces again. I can’t deny that the thought of that just broke my heart. I leave The Oasis two weeks from today, and I already know that goodbyes are going to be so tough.

During my time here I have been going through 1 and 2 Corinthians. Last night, I read a verse that was very convicting and thought provoking from me.

“Let one who boasts, boast in the Lord. For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.¨ -2 Corinthians 10:17-18

I remember right after reading that last night, The Holy Spirit met with a question: Do I commend God in Guatemala for His sovereignty in bringing me here, or do I commend myself for acting out in obedience towards Him?

If I am to be completely honest in answering that question, a lot of times the second option has more truth to it in my life. So many times, both in the year I had to prepare my heart, and the time that I have been here so far, too often I start to play the let-me-prove-my-righteousness-to-God game. Does anybody else play that one? You know the one…where you start to present of all your really “good works” to God so that He can be reminded of how you’re a good Christian, not like those other guys. Am I the only one who plays that? Well, let me be the first to testify to how that game really doesn’t work when it’s lined up against the sovereignty, perfection, grace, power, and love of our God and creator of the universe, especially when you start being reminded of verses like this:

“I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” –John 15:5

It doesn’t get much more cut and dry than that. Apart from God I can do absolutely NOTHING! As I talked about in one of my first posts, God met me with a question when I first got here, “Do you believe I am truly enough?” God is not only enough for me, He is the anchor by which everything I do is either fruitful in the name of The Lord or worth nothing apart from Him. While that seems like such a simple concept, I can be the first to admit that before I came here, it was obviously one that I only believe in theory, not in action. If I truly believe these ideas, then the let-me-prove-my-righteousness-to-God game that I seem to love playing would be nonexistent. While it’s a game that my sinful nature loves to play, it is a game that I will always lose.

Presenting God with my “good works” is like trying to impress an artist with a photocopy of his own masterpiece and then taking credit for the artistry. My act of obedience in coming here was only a step of faith by the grace of God when he softened my heart and allowed me to say “Yes!” GOD called me to this mission, GOD created a desire in my heart to go, and GOD stirred my affections for the sweet girls who are here and GOD broke my heart for this country. I did NONE of those things of my own accord. The only thing I have contributed is rebellion, stubbornness, and constant questioning.

BUT this is just one more part of the never ending beauty of God; even through my rebellion, disobedience, constant question of why, and the sins of pride and selfishness, God still allowed me to be here. He chose to grow me here in some amazing ways, and He delights in using His children to show His beautiful and perfect love to the world. God does not need us. He does not need me here to show these girls love. He chose to. Plain and simple.

Why? I will probably never know. All I know is that this little game I love to play is a slap in the face to His sovereignty over my life. I pray that He will continually break me of that and allow me to more fully understand His sovereignty, grace, and inconceivable forgiveness over my life and my sinful heart.

Thank you so much to everyone reading this and keeping up with my blog (even though I don’t get to update as much as I would like)! Please continue to pray for the girls here that they will accept God’s love and be changed and used by Him in a radical and amazing way. Please pray also for my heart for the remainder of my time here. As I said, I am so ready to go home, but I love these girls so much. Pray that I will finish strong even though I am getting anxious to get home to my family, and pray that God will continue to use me in whatever way He chooses, whether I will ever see the outcome or not.