It has been way too long since I posted a blog! Sorry for those of you who have been keeping up that it has been so long! Unfortunately, this will be one of my last entries because I leave The Oasis tomorrow morning and fly home to Texas on Sunday. (Bear with me, because this will probably be my longest post yet, so get ready!)
To say that I am excited is an understatement. I miss my parents, my sister, my friends, my boyfriend, my own bed, and so many other things! There are also those little things about The States that I will be so happy to come back to, like actually throwing my toilet paper in the toilet and not being afraid to drink water from the faucet, or brush my teeth for that matter.
But of course, as much as I am looking forward to those things, saying goodbye is going to be one of the hardest things in the world for me. My last post detailed the opportunity I had to spend time with my dear friend, Emma, and this week God has continued to allow me opportunities to be there for her. A few days ago she called me into her room and said she had something for me. She gave me a little stuffed lamb and a picture of her with a note on the back that just about made me ball! I have already shed tears over having to say goodbye, especially to her, and I am hoping I can just hold it together until I leave.
The last few days have actually been quite the adventure. All of our Tías left for a House Parent Retreat so I, along with the 3 other interns here, had the lovely task of being substitute Tías for each of our houses. My house is Casa Naranja, and I have 11 girls. 8 of those 11 girls are all under the age of 12, and I had quite the experience. To be perfectly honest, I have never been more exhausted or more frustrated in my life. One of the hardest things for me to come to terms with while I have been here is that while, for the most part, all of these girls seem so happy and well-adjusted when you first meet them, there is not a single girl (at least in my house) who doesn’t struggle with some sort of anger issues.
Based on their pasts and the horrific things that these girls were put through at such young ages I completely understand why they have these issues and why they choose to act out so much. Having to deal with those experiences would make me angry too. Just hearing some of their stories makes my blood boil.
When I first got here, I talked with a CAM missionary who said something that took by complete surprise, and I really didn’t understand it initially. He told me that a lot of these girls can be pretty hard to love sometimes. I will admit, in my first few weeks here, I thought he was crazy for saying that. They were all so sweet to me. How could they be hard to love? After living here for 2 months and especially after covering the house for my Tías for 3 days, I understand what he meant.
Everyone who comes on a mission trip will have preconceived notions; it´s our human nature. My preconceived notions were that I would come into The Oasis, and all of the girls would be so willing to listen to the Gospel and respect what I had to say and everything was going to be just great. While I knew they would have deep issues to deal with from their past, I thought that they would be SO willing to listen. What I found after being here was the truth of what this missionary said: sometimes they really are hard to love. When you have to watch out for 11 girls, and at least 4of them at any given time are either a) screaming in your face b) outright disobeying/lying to you or c) simply not listening, extending love isn’t the easiest thing in the world.
I would never want to imply that I do not love these girls, because I have more love for each of them than I ever thought I could. They have taken a small piece of my heart that will always stay here in Guatemala. That is why it is going to be so hard to leave. On the other hand, I cannot lie and say that I worked with complete angels 24/7 during my time here. I am sure there were times when I was a kid that my parents were ready to pull their hair (with the exception of my Dad haha!) out because of my disobedience. It’s not that there was ever any point that they did not love me, but extending grace to me was probably not easy. This was just one of the MANY times during this trip that God chose to teach me something about forgiveness, grace, and love. During my “Tía-ing” two verses kept popping into my head as I was about ready to pull my hair out so many times:
“For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person – though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die – but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” -Romans 5:6-8
and
¨If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same” -Luke 6:32
I think these are pretty self-explanatory. In order to save me God not only died, but willingly spilled all of His blood and was executed in one of the most horrific ways in human history; knowing that I would consciously and willingly disobey and sin against Him. Knowing that, and completely understanding that I am the chief of sinners, God has called me to the same type of love, grace, and forgiveness. While that doesn’t make it easier to extend grace, it makes it that much more apparent that I have to lean on God to work that out in my heart. My human nature, which came out several times during the past few days, would have rather just yelled at the girls instead of teaching them obedience in a way that showed them love.
As I think back on my experiences over the last 2 months, I see how God used this experience to teach me and grow me so much. When I get back to the States after my debriefing in Dallas and MUCH needed time with family and friends, I will be so excited to reflect and share all of the things that He showed me because there are a LOT!
I have a feeling this might be my last post while in Guatemala. To those of you who have supported me, either financially, through prayer, with much needed words of encouragement, or a combination of the three, I cannot thank you enough. God has provided for me a HUGE support system that I have been amazed by. All of the emails, facebook messages, skype sessions, etc., have been more of an encouragement than I could ever begin to explain.
Please continue to pray for these sweet girls. I love them VERY much, but I also know that they all still have some very hard issues to overcome. Pray that the girls who have been called by Christ and have accepted the Gospel will just fall on Him and allow Him to carry them through these tough times. For the girls who, unfortunately, are only “Christian” by name, pray that the Lord will soften their hearts and teach them of His unconditional love for them, that the truth of the Gospel isn’t a list of rules and regulations to be followed. I love you all and thank you again SO MUCH for your support over the past 2 ½ months. I seriously can’t believe it truly is coming to an end, and this is an experience I will never forget.
“I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep. And I have other sheep that are not of this fold. I must bring them also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd.” –John 10:14-16
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Monday, July 4, 2011
Tengo Paz en Mi Ser
To think that I have been here for almost 8 weeks is hard to rap my mind around. Time here is so different. On one hand, I feel like I was just boarding my plane in Houston back in May, and on the other hand I feel like I have been here forever. I looked at the calendar this morning and counted the days I have left at The Oasis, 11. Eleven days feels like nothing. I have just barely started to former stronger relationships with these girls and in only a few days I have to say my final goodbyes.
Earlier this week, I feel like I made a breakthrough with one of my girls. Rather, God allowed me to see a breakthrough in my relationship with her. I will call her Emma. Emma is one of the sweetest girls here at The Oasis. She always wants to come up and give everyone the biggest hug, and she fills Casa Naranja (the house where I eat breakfast and dinner) with smiles and laughter almost constantly. There is something more to her smile than just happiness; you can see complete joy in her! I am captivated by how happy this sweet girl is.
It all started early last week when our director showed us a video about The Oasis that had a few testimonies of some of our girls. Emma’s testimony was first. Within the first 30 seconds of her recounting all of the terrible things that she had experienced before coming to The Oasis, I was balling. I know why all of these girls are here, but sometimes it’s easy to shove that to the back of my mind in the day-to-day work that I have to do. After hearing her story, I felt much closer to her. She had been one girl in my house that I had especially bonded with, but after knowing where she came from, I felt that much more connected to her.
On Friday night I came into Casa Naranja, and sweet Emma was nowhere to be found. She is usually the first to run up and give me a huge hug so I was immediately concerned. When our Tía called all the girls in for dinner, Emma came in with her eyes firmly fixed on the ground and did not say a word to anyone. While everyone else was talking, joking, and laughing through dinner, I was barely able to make eye contact with her more than once. It broke my heart to see her so upset because I knew exactly what was going on. Visitor’s day was that following morning, and Emma and I both knew that based on the decisions of the courts, her mom would not be allowed to come. As much pain as these girls’ parents have caused them, they still can’t help but long for their families, if nothing else, to show how much they forgive them.
As dinner slowly finished and the girls were still gathered around the table I moved from my chair to where she was sitting. I didn’t say a word, but all I could do was throw my arms around her and hold her. She immediately buried her face in my chest and did a remarkable job of holding back her tears. It was all I could do not to start crying. As everyone began to leave the table and clean up after dinner, Emma and I just sat there. Neither of us said a word.
One of my favorite hymns ever written is “It is Well with My Soul.” I know it in Spanish, so I barely sang the chorus into her ear and just tried to remind her of how much God loved her. She gave me the slightest nod in agreement as I told her how much God loves her, and we just sat there together. I told her that we could talk, but I knew very well that she did not need words or a conversation. She just needed someone to hold on to and bury her face for a little while.
If I leave here in 11 days with nothing more than that small, 10 minute experience, I will have no doubt in my mind that I was placed here by God in this specific time for this specific purpose. I am humbled to my core that God has allowed me to be a part of this very special little girl’s life and see just a glimpse into her beautiful heart.
All the frustration, the health issues, the homesickness, the culture shock, the loneliness, and the times in the desert all fade away in a moment like that. God allowed me to physically care for His sweet daughter in the same way that the Lord has cared for me in so many dark times in my life. I am in awe. A blessing like that is worth far more to me than anything else that I could possibly gain in this world.
I am so glad to say that Emma is back to her joyful, beautiful self. I know she is still in the process of healing from very deep wounds, but I can also tell that she genuinely believes that God loves her and that He is her ultimate protector. Just because of that one moment, I would never trade this trip for anything else I could have possibly done this summer.
Please do not stop praying for these sweet girls like Emma who have a lot of hurt in their past that they are still dealing with. I am learning the lesson of forgiveness right there with them, and God’s love is so tangible in the times when one of these sweet girls says wholeheartedly that she forgives the people in her past who hurt her so terribly. God has become more real to me in this trip than He ever has before, and it’s not over yet! :D
Earlier this week, I feel like I made a breakthrough with one of my girls. Rather, God allowed me to see a breakthrough in my relationship with her. I will call her Emma. Emma is one of the sweetest girls here at The Oasis. She always wants to come up and give everyone the biggest hug, and she fills Casa Naranja (the house where I eat breakfast and dinner) with smiles and laughter almost constantly. There is something more to her smile than just happiness; you can see complete joy in her! I am captivated by how happy this sweet girl is.
It all started early last week when our director showed us a video about The Oasis that had a few testimonies of some of our girls. Emma’s testimony was first. Within the first 30 seconds of her recounting all of the terrible things that she had experienced before coming to The Oasis, I was balling. I know why all of these girls are here, but sometimes it’s easy to shove that to the back of my mind in the day-to-day work that I have to do. After hearing her story, I felt much closer to her. She had been one girl in my house that I had especially bonded with, but after knowing where she came from, I felt that much more connected to her.
On Friday night I came into Casa Naranja, and sweet Emma was nowhere to be found. She is usually the first to run up and give me a huge hug so I was immediately concerned. When our Tía called all the girls in for dinner, Emma came in with her eyes firmly fixed on the ground and did not say a word to anyone. While everyone else was talking, joking, and laughing through dinner, I was barely able to make eye contact with her more than once. It broke my heart to see her so upset because I knew exactly what was going on. Visitor’s day was that following morning, and Emma and I both knew that based on the decisions of the courts, her mom would not be allowed to come. As much pain as these girls’ parents have caused them, they still can’t help but long for their families, if nothing else, to show how much they forgive them.
As dinner slowly finished and the girls were still gathered around the table I moved from my chair to where she was sitting. I didn’t say a word, but all I could do was throw my arms around her and hold her. She immediately buried her face in my chest and did a remarkable job of holding back her tears. It was all I could do not to start crying. As everyone began to leave the table and clean up after dinner, Emma and I just sat there. Neither of us said a word.
One of my favorite hymns ever written is “It is Well with My Soul.” I know it in Spanish, so I barely sang the chorus into her ear and just tried to remind her of how much God loved her. She gave me the slightest nod in agreement as I told her how much God loves her, and we just sat there together. I told her that we could talk, but I knew very well that she did not need words or a conversation. She just needed someone to hold on to and bury her face for a little while.
If I leave here in 11 days with nothing more than that small, 10 minute experience, I will have no doubt in my mind that I was placed here by God in this specific time for this specific purpose. I am humbled to my core that God has allowed me to be a part of this very special little girl’s life and see just a glimpse into her beautiful heart.
All the frustration, the health issues, the homesickness, the culture shock, the loneliness, and the times in the desert all fade away in a moment like that. God allowed me to physically care for His sweet daughter in the same way that the Lord has cared for me in so many dark times in my life. I am in awe. A blessing like that is worth far more to me than anything else that I could possibly gain in this world.
I am so glad to say that Emma is back to her joyful, beautiful self. I know she is still in the process of healing from very deep wounds, but I can also tell that she genuinely believes that God loves her and that He is her ultimate protector. Just because of that one moment, I would never trade this trip for anything else I could have possibly done this summer.
Please do not stop praying for these sweet girls like Emma who have a lot of hurt in their past that they are still dealing with. I am learning the lesson of forgiveness right there with them, and God’s love is so tangible in the times when one of these sweet girls says wholeheartedly that she forgives the people in her past who hurt her so terribly. God has become more real to me in this trip than He ever has before, and it’s not over yet! :D
Friday, July 1, 2011
I will always lose.
One year ago today, I got an email from CAM International informing me that I had been accepted to this internship. One year. I seriously cannot believe that I have known about this internship for over a year, and now I sit here with only 2 weeks and 2 days left until I fly home. I remember getting that email and having a million different questions flood my mind: What would I be doing here? How would I feel once I actually got here? Would my Spanish improve? How many other interns would there be? Am I the only one who knows this far in advance?
As I think back on all of those questions and more all I can do is smile because my ideas about what this trip was going to look like did not even have the slightest resemblance to how things have gone so far. God has truly given me a curiosity for things, and my preconceived notions are never what anything really turns out to be.
Right now, my heart has become its own contradiction. When I realize that I only have 2 weeks left, I can’t help but be overwhelmed with joy that in a very short amount of time I get to be reunited with my family, friends, and all of the people back home in Texas that have loved me and supported me through this entire process. At the same time, this afternoon during lunch as I looked around the table at all of these sweet girls that I have grown to love and adore, I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed with emotion that I really only have 2 weeks left with these girls; and there is a chance that I may never see their sweet, smiling faces again. I can’t deny that the thought of that just broke my heart. I leave The Oasis two weeks from today, and I already know that goodbyes are going to be so tough.
During my time here I have been going through 1 and 2 Corinthians. Last night, I read a verse that was very convicting and thought provoking from me.
“Let one who boasts, boast in the Lord. For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.¨ -2 Corinthians 10:17-18
I remember right after reading that last night, The Holy Spirit met with a question: Do I commend God in Guatemala for His sovereignty in bringing me here, or do I commend myself for acting out in obedience towards Him?
If I am to be completely honest in answering that question, a lot of times the second option has more truth to it in my life. So many times, both in the year I had to prepare my heart, and the time that I have been here so far, too often I start to play the let-me-prove-my-righteousness-to-God game. Does anybody else play that one? You know the one…where you start to present of all your really “good works” to God so that He can be reminded of how you’re a good Christian, not like those other guys. Am I the only one who plays that? Well, let me be the first to testify to how that game really doesn’t work when it’s lined up against the sovereignty, perfection, grace, power, and love of our God and creator of the universe, especially when you start being reminded of verses like this:
“I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” –John 15:5
It doesn’t get much more cut and dry than that. Apart from God I can do absolutely NOTHING! As I talked about in one of my first posts, God met me with a question when I first got here, “Do you believe I am truly enough?” God is not only enough for me, He is the anchor by which everything I do is either fruitful in the name of The Lord or worth nothing apart from Him. While that seems like such a simple concept, I can be the first to admit that before I came here, it was obviously one that I only believe in theory, not in action. If I truly believe these ideas, then the let-me-prove-my-righteousness-to-God game that I seem to love playing would be nonexistent. While it’s a game that my sinful nature loves to play, it is a game that I will always lose.
Presenting God with my “good works” is like trying to impress an artist with a photocopy of his own masterpiece and then taking credit for the artistry. My act of obedience in coming here was only a step of faith by the grace of God when he softened my heart and allowed me to say “Yes!” GOD called me to this mission, GOD created a desire in my heart to go, and GOD stirred my affections for the sweet girls who are here and GOD broke my heart for this country. I did NONE of those things of my own accord. The only thing I have contributed is rebellion, stubbornness, and constant questioning.
BUT this is just one more part of the never ending beauty of God; even through my rebellion, disobedience, constant question of why, and the sins of pride and selfishness, God still allowed me to be here. He chose to grow me here in some amazing ways, and He delights in using His children to show His beautiful and perfect love to the world. God does not need us. He does not need me here to show these girls love. He chose to. Plain and simple.
Why? I will probably never know. All I know is that this little game I love to play is a slap in the face to His sovereignty over my life. I pray that He will continually break me of that and allow me to more fully understand His sovereignty, grace, and inconceivable forgiveness over my life and my sinful heart.
Thank you so much to everyone reading this and keeping up with my blog (even though I don’t get to update as much as I would like)! Please continue to pray for the girls here that they will accept God’s love and be changed and used by Him in a radical and amazing way. Please pray also for my heart for the remainder of my time here. As I said, I am so ready to go home, but I love these girls so much. Pray that I will finish strong even though I am getting anxious to get home to my family, and pray that God will continue to use me in whatever way He chooses, whether I will ever see the outcome or not.
As I think back on all of those questions and more all I can do is smile because my ideas about what this trip was going to look like did not even have the slightest resemblance to how things have gone so far. God has truly given me a curiosity for things, and my preconceived notions are never what anything really turns out to be.
Right now, my heart has become its own contradiction. When I realize that I only have 2 weeks left, I can’t help but be overwhelmed with joy that in a very short amount of time I get to be reunited with my family, friends, and all of the people back home in Texas that have loved me and supported me through this entire process. At the same time, this afternoon during lunch as I looked around the table at all of these sweet girls that I have grown to love and adore, I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed with emotion that I really only have 2 weeks left with these girls; and there is a chance that I may never see their sweet, smiling faces again. I can’t deny that the thought of that just broke my heart. I leave The Oasis two weeks from today, and I already know that goodbyes are going to be so tough.
During my time here I have been going through 1 and 2 Corinthians. Last night, I read a verse that was very convicting and thought provoking from me.
“Let one who boasts, boast in the Lord. For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.¨ -2 Corinthians 10:17-18
I remember right after reading that last night, The Holy Spirit met with a question: Do I commend God in Guatemala for His sovereignty in bringing me here, or do I commend myself for acting out in obedience towards Him?
If I am to be completely honest in answering that question, a lot of times the second option has more truth to it in my life. So many times, both in the year I had to prepare my heart, and the time that I have been here so far, too often I start to play the let-me-prove-my-righteousness-to-God game. Does anybody else play that one? You know the one…where you start to present of all your really “good works” to God so that He can be reminded of how you’re a good Christian, not like those other guys. Am I the only one who plays that? Well, let me be the first to testify to how that game really doesn’t work when it’s lined up against the sovereignty, perfection, grace, power, and love of our God and creator of the universe, especially when you start being reminded of verses like this:
“I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” –John 15:5
It doesn’t get much more cut and dry than that. Apart from God I can do absolutely NOTHING! As I talked about in one of my first posts, God met me with a question when I first got here, “Do you believe I am truly enough?” God is not only enough for me, He is the anchor by which everything I do is either fruitful in the name of The Lord or worth nothing apart from Him. While that seems like such a simple concept, I can be the first to admit that before I came here, it was obviously one that I only believe in theory, not in action. If I truly believe these ideas, then the let-me-prove-my-righteousness-to-God game that I seem to love playing would be nonexistent. While it’s a game that my sinful nature loves to play, it is a game that I will always lose.
Presenting God with my “good works” is like trying to impress an artist with a photocopy of his own masterpiece and then taking credit for the artistry. My act of obedience in coming here was only a step of faith by the grace of God when he softened my heart and allowed me to say “Yes!” GOD called me to this mission, GOD created a desire in my heart to go, and GOD stirred my affections for the sweet girls who are here and GOD broke my heart for this country. I did NONE of those things of my own accord. The only thing I have contributed is rebellion, stubbornness, and constant questioning.
BUT this is just one more part of the never ending beauty of God; even through my rebellion, disobedience, constant question of why, and the sins of pride and selfishness, God still allowed me to be here. He chose to grow me here in some amazing ways, and He delights in using His children to show His beautiful and perfect love to the world. God does not need us. He does not need me here to show these girls love. He chose to. Plain and simple.
Why? I will probably never know. All I know is that this little game I love to play is a slap in the face to His sovereignty over my life. I pray that He will continually break me of that and allow me to more fully understand His sovereignty, grace, and inconceivable forgiveness over my life and my sinful heart.
Thank you so much to everyone reading this and keeping up with my blog (even though I don’t get to update as much as I would like)! Please continue to pray for the girls here that they will accept God’s love and be changed and used by Him in a radical and amazing way. Please pray also for my heart for the remainder of my time here. As I said, I am so ready to go home, but I love these girls so much. Pray that I will finish strong even though I am getting anxious to get home to my family, and pray that God will continue to use me in whatever way He chooses, whether I will ever see the outcome or not.
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