Monday, December 19, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
A Short Farewell
OK, so I know this post is long over due, but I have definitely been enjoying the wonderful down time I have had since being back in The States.
I first planned to post another very long entry detailing the many things I have learned and everything that God has shown me through my trip. For right now, I am just going to share a few verses that embody a little bit about what I have learned and give a simple summary of this summer.
Forgiveness:
“If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil." -Luke 6:23-35
Answering the call:
"But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God" -Acts 20:24
Working for the Lord:
"Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ." —Colossians 3:23-24
Relying on God COMPLETELY:
"I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." -John 15:5
God taught me so much about forgiveness and what it truly looks like to serve Him in a way that brings Him glory. Before I left, I was so caught up in my own way of doing things that I so rarely leaned on the Lord for His strength. He had to continually remind me that apart from Him I am nothing and I can do nothing.
I hope that everyone who kept up with my blog enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I pray that I will never lose what God taught me during my time in Guatemala, and I know that it will always hold a very special place in my heart.
I first planned to post another very long entry detailing the many things I have learned and everything that God has shown me through my trip. For right now, I am just going to share a few verses that embody a little bit about what I have learned and give a simple summary of this summer.
Forgiveness:
“If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same. And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, to get back the same amount. But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil." -Luke 6:23-35
Answering the call:
"But I do not account my life of any value nor as precious to myself, if only I may finish my course and the ministry that I received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God" -Acts 20:24
Working for the Lord:
"Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward, and that the Master you are serving is Christ." —Colossians 3:23-24
Relying on God COMPLETELY:
"I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." -John 15:5
God taught me so much about forgiveness and what it truly looks like to serve Him in a way that brings Him glory. Before I left, I was so caught up in my own way of doing things that I so rarely leaned on the Lord for His strength. He had to continually remind me that apart from Him I am nothing and I can do nothing.
I hope that everyone who kept up with my blog enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I pray that I will never lose what God taught me during my time in Guatemala, and I know that it will always hold a very special place in my heart.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Final Goodbyes
It has been way too long since I posted a blog! Sorry for those of you who have been keeping up that it has been so long! Unfortunately, this will be one of my last entries because I leave The Oasis tomorrow morning and fly home to Texas on Sunday. (Bear with me, because this will probably be my longest post yet, so get ready!)
To say that I am excited is an understatement. I miss my parents, my sister, my friends, my boyfriend, my own bed, and so many other things! There are also those little things about The States that I will be so happy to come back to, like actually throwing my toilet paper in the toilet and not being afraid to drink water from the faucet, or brush my teeth for that matter.
But of course, as much as I am looking forward to those things, saying goodbye is going to be one of the hardest things in the world for me. My last post detailed the opportunity I had to spend time with my dear friend, Emma, and this week God has continued to allow me opportunities to be there for her. A few days ago she called me into her room and said she had something for me. She gave me a little stuffed lamb and a picture of her with a note on the back that just about made me ball! I have already shed tears over having to say goodbye, especially to her, and I am hoping I can just hold it together until I leave.
The last few days have actually been quite the adventure. All of our Tías left for a House Parent Retreat so I, along with the 3 other interns here, had the lovely task of being substitute Tías for each of our houses. My house is Casa Naranja, and I have 11 girls. 8 of those 11 girls are all under the age of 12, and I had quite the experience. To be perfectly honest, I have never been more exhausted or more frustrated in my life. One of the hardest things for me to come to terms with while I have been here is that while, for the most part, all of these girls seem so happy and well-adjusted when you first meet them, there is not a single girl (at least in my house) who doesn’t struggle with some sort of anger issues.
Based on their pasts and the horrific things that these girls were put through at such young ages I completely understand why they have these issues and why they choose to act out so much. Having to deal with those experiences would make me angry too. Just hearing some of their stories makes my blood boil.
When I first got here, I talked with a CAM missionary who said something that took by complete surprise, and I really didn’t understand it initially. He told me that a lot of these girls can be pretty hard to love sometimes. I will admit, in my first few weeks here, I thought he was crazy for saying that. They were all so sweet to me. How could they be hard to love? After living here for 2 months and especially after covering the house for my Tías for 3 days, I understand what he meant.
Everyone who comes on a mission trip will have preconceived notions; it´s our human nature. My preconceived notions were that I would come into The Oasis, and all of the girls would be so willing to listen to the Gospel and respect what I had to say and everything was going to be just great. While I knew they would have deep issues to deal with from their past, I thought that they would be SO willing to listen. What I found after being here was the truth of what this missionary said: sometimes they really are hard to love. When you have to watch out for 11 girls, and at least 4of them at any given time are either a) screaming in your face b) outright disobeying/lying to you or c) simply not listening, extending love isn’t the easiest thing in the world.
I would never want to imply that I do not love these girls, because I have more love for each of them than I ever thought I could. They have taken a small piece of my heart that will always stay here in Guatemala. That is why it is going to be so hard to leave. On the other hand, I cannot lie and say that I worked with complete angels 24/7 during my time here. I am sure there were times when I was a kid that my parents were ready to pull their hair (with the exception of my Dad haha!) out because of my disobedience. It’s not that there was ever any point that they did not love me, but extending grace to me was probably not easy. This was just one of the MANY times during this trip that God chose to teach me something about forgiveness, grace, and love. During my “Tía-ing” two verses kept popping into my head as I was about ready to pull my hair out so many times:
“For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person – though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die – but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” -Romans 5:6-8
and
¨If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same” -Luke 6:32
I think these are pretty self-explanatory. In order to save me God not only died, but willingly spilled all of His blood and was executed in one of the most horrific ways in human history; knowing that I would consciously and willingly disobey and sin against Him. Knowing that, and completely understanding that I am the chief of sinners, God has called me to the same type of love, grace, and forgiveness. While that doesn’t make it easier to extend grace, it makes it that much more apparent that I have to lean on God to work that out in my heart. My human nature, which came out several times during the past few days, would have rather just yelled at the girls instead of teaching them obedience in a way that showed them love.
As I think back on my experiences over the last 2 months, I see how God used this experience to teach me and grow me so much. When I get back to the States after my debriefing in Dallas and MUCH needed time with family and friends, I will be so excited to reflect and share all of the things that He showed me because there are a LOT!
I have a feeling this might be my last post while in Guatemala. To those of you who have supported me, either financially, through prayer, with much needed words of encouragement, or a combination of the three, I cannot thank you enough. God has provided for me a HUGE support system that I have been amazed by. All of the emails, facebook messages, skype sessions, etc., have been more of an encouragement than I could ever begin to explain.
Please continue to pray for these sweet girls. I love them VERY much, but I also know that they all still have some very hard issues to overcome. Pray that the girls who have been called by Christ and have accepted the Gospel will just fall on Him and allow Him to carry them through these tough times. For the girls who, unfortunately, are only “Christian” by name, pray that the Lord will soften their hearts and teach them of His unconditional love for them, that the truth of the Gospel isn’t a list of rules and regulations to be followed. I love you all and thank you again SO MUCH for your support over the past 2 ½ months. I seriously can’t believe it truly is coming to an end, and this is an experience I will never forget.
“I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep. And I have other sheep that are not of this fold. I must bring them also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd.” –John 10:14-16
To say that I am excited is an understatement. I miss my parents, my sister, my friends, my boyfriend, my own bed, and so many other things! There are also those little things about The States that I will be so happy to come back to, like actually throwing my toilet paper in the toilet and not being afraid to drink water from the faucet, or brush my teeth for that matter.
But of course, as much as I am looking forward to those things, saying goodbye is going to be one of the hardest things in the world for me. My last post detailed the opportunity I had to spend time with my dear friend, Emma, and this week God has continued to allow me opportunities to be there for her. A few days ago she called me into her room and said she had something for me. She gave me a little stuffed lamb and a picture of her with a note on the back that just about made me ball! I have already shed tears over having to say goodbye, especially to her, and I am hoping I can just hold it together until I leave.
The last few days have actually been quite the adventure. All of our Tías left for a House Parent Retreat so I, along with the 3 other interns here, had the lovely task of being substitute Tías for each of our houses. My house is Casa Naranja, and I have 11 girls. 8 of those 11 girls are all under the age of 12, and I had quite the experience. To be perfectly honest, I have never been more exhausted or more frustrated in my life. One of the hardest things for me to come to terms with while I have been here is that while, for the most part, all of these girls seem so happy and well-adjusted when you first meet them, there is not a single girl (at least in my house) who doesn’t struggle with some sort of anger issues.
Based on their pasts and the horrific things that these girls were put through at such young ages I completely understand why they have these issues and why they choose to act out so much. Having to deal with those experiences would make me angry too. Just hearing some of their stories makes my blood boil.
When I first got here, I talked with a CAM missionary who said something that took by complete surprise, and I really didn’t understand it initially. He told me that a lot of these girls can be pretty hard to love sometimes. I will admit, in my first few weeks here, I thought he was crazy for saying that. They were all so sweet to me. How could they be hard to love? After living here for 2 months and especially after covering the house for my Tías for 3 days, I understand what he meant.
Everyone who comes on a mission trip will have preconceived notions; it´s our human nature. My preconceived notions were that I would come into The Oasis, and all of the girls would be so willing to listen to the Gospel and respect what I had to say and everything was going to be just great. While I knew they would have deep issues to deal with from their past, I thought that they would be SO willing to listen. What I found after being here was the truth of what this missionary said: sometimes they really are hard to love. When you have to watch out for 11 girls, and at least 4of them at any given time are either a) screaming in your face b) outright disobeying/lying to you or c) simply not listening, extending love isn’t the easiest thing in the world.
I would never want to imply that I do not love these girls, because I have more love for each of them than I ever thought I could. They have taken a small piece of my heart that will always stay here in Guatemala. That is why it is going to be so hard to leave. On the other hand, I cannot lie and say that I worked with complete angels 24/7 during my time here. I am sure there were times when I was a kid that my parents were ready to pull their hair (with the exception of my Dad haha!) out because of my disobedience. It’s not that there was ever any point that they did not love me, but extending grace to me was probably not easy. This was just one of the MANY times during this trip that God chose to teach me something about forgiveness, grace, and love. During my “Tía-ing” two verses kept popping into my head as I was about ready to pull my hair out so many times:
“For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person – though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die – but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” -Romans 5:6-8
and
¨If you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners love those who love them. And if you do good to those who do good to you, what benefit is that to you? For even sinners do the same” -Luke 6:32
I think these are pretty self-explanatory. In order to save me God not only died, but willingly spilled all of His blood and was executed in one of the most horrific ways in human history; knowing that I would consciously and willingly disobey and sin against Him. Knowing that, and completely understanding that I am the chief of sinners, God has called me to the same type of love, grace, and forgiveness. While that doesn’t make it easier to extend grace, it makes it that much more apparent that I have to lean on God to work that out in my heart. My human nature, which came out several times during the past few days, would have rather just yelled at the girls instead of teaching them obedience in a way that showed them love.
As I think back on my experiences over the last 2 months, I see how God used this experience to teach me and grow me so much. When I get back to the States after my debriefing in Dallas and MUCH needed time with family and friends, I will be so excited to reflect and share all of the things that He showed me because there are a LOT!
I have a feeling this might be my last post while in Guatemala. To those of you who have supported me, either financially, through prayer, with much needed words of encouragement, or a combination of the three, I cannot thank you enough. God has provided for me a HUGE support system that I have been amazed by. All of the emails, facebook messages, skype sessions, etc., have been more of an encouragement than I could ever begin to explain.
Please continue to pray for these sweet girls. I love them VERY much, but I also know that they all still have some very hard issues to overcome. Pray that the girls who have been called by Christ and have accepted the Gospel will just fall on Him and allow Him to carry them through these tough times. For the girls who, unfortunately, are only “Christian” by name, pray that the Lord will soften their hearts and teach them of His unconditional love for them, that the truth of the Gospel isn’t a list of rules and regulations to be followed. I love you all and thank you again SO MUCH for your support over the past 2 ½ months. I seriously can’t believe it truly is coming to an end, and this is an experience I will never forget.
“I am the good shepherd. I know my own and my own know me, just as the Father knows me and I know the Father; and I lay down my life for the sheep. And I have other sheep that are not of this fold. I must bring them also, and they will listen to my voice. So there will be one flock, one shepherd.” –John 10:14-16
Monday, July 4, 2011
Tengo Paz en Mi Ser
To think that I have been here for almost 8 weeks is hard to rap my mind around. Time here is so different. On one hand, I feel like I was just boarding my plane in Houston back in May, and on the other hand I feel like I have been here forever. I looked at the calendar this morning and counted the days I have left at The Oasis, 11. Eleven days feels like nothing. I have just barely started to former stronger relationships with these girls and in only a few days I have to say my final goodbyes.
Earlier this week, I feel like I made a breakthrough with one of my girls. Rather, God allowed me to see a breakthrough in my relationship with her. I will call her Emma. Emma is one of the sweetest girls here at The Oasis. She always wants to come up and give everyone the biggest hug, and she fills Casa Naranja (the house where I eat breakfast and dinner) with smiles and laughter almost constantly. There is something more to her smile than just happiness; you can see complete joy in her! I am captivated by how happy this sweet girl is.
It all started early last week when our director showed us a video about The Oasis that had a few testimonies of some of our girls. Emma’s testimony was first. Within the first 30 seconds of her recounting all of the terrible things that she had experienced before coming to The Oasis, I was balling. I know why all of these girls are here, but sometimes it’s easy to shove that to the back of my mind in the day-to-day work that I have to do. After hearing her story, I felt much closer to her. She had been one girl in my house that I had especially bonded with, but after knowing where she came from, I felt that much more connected to her.
On Friday night I came into Casa Naranja, and sweet Emma was nowhere to be found. She is usually the first to run up and give me a huge hug so I was immediately concerned. When our Tía called all the girls in for dinner, Emma came in with her eyes firmly fixed on the ground and did not say a word to anyone. While everyone else was talking, joking, and laughing through dinner, I was barely able to make eye contact with her more than once. It broke my heart to see her so upset because I knew exactly what was going on. Visitor’s day was that following morning, and Emma and I both knew that based on the decisions of the courts, her mom would not be allowed to come. As much pain as these girls’ parents have caused them, they still can’t help but long for their families, if nothing else, to show how much they forgive them.
As dinner slowly finished and the girls were still gathered around the table I moved from my chair to where she was sitting. I didn’t say a word, but all I could do was throw my arms around her and hold her. She immediately buried her face in my chest and did a remarkable job of holding back her tears. It was all I could do not to start crying. As everyone began to leave the table and clean up after dinner, Emma and I just sat there. Neither of us said a word.
One of my favorite hymns ever written is “It is Well with My Soul.” I know it in Spanish, so I barely sang the chorus into her ear and just tried to remind her of how much God loved her. She gave me the slightest nod in agreement as I told her how much God loves her, and we just sat there together. I told her that we could talk, but I knew very well that she did not need words or a conversation. She just needed someone to hold on to and bury her face for a little while.
If I leave here in 11 days with nothing more than that small, 10 minute experience, I will have no doubt in my mind that I was placed here by God in this specific time for this specific purpose. I am humbled to my core that God has allowed me to be a part of this very special little girl’s life and see just a glimpse into her beautiful heart.
All the frustration, the health issues, the homesickness, the culture shock, the loneliness, and the times in the desert all fade away in a moment like that. God allowed me to physically care for His sweet daughter in the same way that the Lord has cared for me in so many dark times in my life. I am in awe. A blessing like that is worth far more to me than anything else that I could possibly gain in this world.
I am so glad to say that Emma is back to her joyful, beautiful self. I know she is still in the process of healing from very deep wounds, but I can also tell that she genuinely believes that God loves her and that He is her ultimate protector. Just because of that one moment, I would never trade this trip for anything else I could have possibly done this summer.
Please do not stop praying for these sweet girls like Emma who have a lot of hurt in their past that they are still dealing with. I am learning the lesson of forgiveness right there with them, and God’s love is so tangible in the times when one of these sweet girls says wholeheartedly that she forgives the people in her past who hurt her so terribly. God has become more real to me in this trip than He ever has before, and it’s not over yet! :D
Earlier this week, I feel like I made a breakthrough with one of my girls. Rather, God allowed me to see a breakthrough in my relationship with her. I will call her Emma. Emma is one of the sweetest girls here at The Oasis. She always wants to come up and give everyone the biggest hug, and she fills Casa Naranja (the house where I eat breakfast and dinner) with smiles and laughter almost constantly. There is something more to her smile than just happiness; you can see complete joy in her! I am captivated by how happy this sweet girl is.
It all started early last week when our director showed us a video about The Oasis that had a few testimonies of some of our girls. Emma’s testimony was first. Within the first 30 seconds of her recounting all of the terrible things that she had experienced before coming to The Oasis, I was balling. I know why all of these girls are here, but sometimes it’s easy to shove that to the back of my mind in the day-to-day work that I have to do. After hearing her story, I felt much closer to her. She had been one girl in my house that I had especially bonded with, but after knowing where she came from, I felt that much more connected to her.
On Friday night I came into Casa Naranja, and sweet Emma was nowhere to be found. She is usually the first to run up and give me a huge hug so I was immediately concerned. When our Tía called all the girls in for dinner, Emma came in with her eyes firmly fixed on the ground and did not say a word to anyone. While everyone else was talking, joking, and laughing through dinner, I was barely able to make eye contact with her more than once. It broke my heart to see her so upset because I knew exactly what was going on. Visitor’s day was that following morning, and Emma and I both knew that based on the decisions of the courts, her mom would not be allowed to come. As much pain as these girls’ parents have caused them, they still can’t help but long for their families, if nothing else, to show how much they forgive them.
As dinner slowly finished and the girls were still gathered around the table I moved from my chair to where she was sitting. I didn’t say a word, but all I could do was throw my arms around her and hold her. She immediately buried her face in my chest and did a remarkable job of holding back her tears. It was all I could do not to start crying. As everyone began to leave the table and clean up after dinner, Emma and I just sat there. Neither of us said a word.
One of my favorite hymns ever written is “It is Well with My Soul.” I know it in Spanish, so I barely sang the chorus into her ear and just tried to remind her of how much God loved her. She gave me the slightest nod in agreement as I told her how much God loves her, and we just sat there together. I told her that we could talk, but I knew very well that she did not need words or a conversation. She just needed someone to hold on to and bury her face for a little while.
If I leave here in 11 days with nothing more than that small, 10 minute experience, I will have no doubt in my mind that I was placed here by God in this specific time for this specific purpose. I am humbled to my core that God has allowed me to be a part of this very special little girl’s life and see just a glimpse into her beautiful heart.
All the frustration, the health issues, the homesickness, the culture shock, the loneliness, and the times in the desert all fade away in a moment like that. God allowed me to physically care for His sweet daughter in the same way that the Lord has cared for me in so many dark times in my life. I am in awe. A blessing like that is worth far more to me than anything else that I could possibly gain in this world.
I am so glad to say that Emma is back to her joyful, beautiful self. I know she is still in the process of healing from very deep wounds, but I can also tell that she genuinely believes that God loves her and that He is her ultimate protector. Just because of that one moment, I would never trade this trip for anything else I could have possibly done this summer.
Please do not stop praying for these sweet girls like Emma who have a lot of hurt in their past that they are still dealing with. I am learning the lesson of forgiveness right there with them, and God’s love is so tangible in the times when one of these sweet girls says wholeheartedly that she forgives the people in her past who hurt her so terribly. God has become more real to me in this trip than He ever has before, and it’s not over yet! :D
Friday, July 1, 2011
I will always lose.
One year ago today, I got an email from CAM International informing me that I had been accepted to this internship. One year. I seriously cannot believe that I have known about this internship for over a year, and now I sit here with only 2 weeks and 2 days left until I fly home. I remember getting that email and having a million different questions flood my mind: What would I be doing here? How would I feel once I actually got here? Would my Spanish improve? How many other interns would there be? Am I the only one who knows this far in advance?
As I think back on all of those questions and more all I can do is smile because my ideas about what this trip was going to look like did not even have the slightest resemblance to how things have gone so far. God has truly given me a curiosity for things, and my preconceived notions are never what anything really turns out to be.
Right now, my heart has become its own contradiction. When I realize that I only have 2 weeks left, I can’t help but be overwhelmed with joy that in a very short amount of time I get to be reunited with my family, friends, and all of the people back home in Texas that have loved me and supported me through this entire process. At the same time, this afternoon during lunch as I looked around the table at all of these sweet girls that I have grown to love and adore, I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed with emotion that I really only have 2 weeks left with these girls; and there is a chance that I may never see their sweet, smiling faces again. I can’t deny that the thought of that just broke my heart. I leave The Oasis two weeks from today, and I already know that goodbyes are going to be so tough.
During my time here I have been going through 1 and 2 Corinthians. Last night, I read a verse that was very convicting and thought provoking from me.
“Let one who boasts, boast in the Lord. For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.¨ -2 Corinthians 10:17-18
I remember right after reading that last night, The Holy Spirit met with a question: Do I commend God in Guatemala for His sovereignty in bringing me here, or do I commend myself for acting out in obedience towards Him?
If I am to be completely honest in answering that question, a lot of times the second option has more truth to it in my life. So many times, both in the year I had to prepare my heart, and the time that I have been here so far, too often I start to play the let-me-prove-my-righteousness-to-God game. Does anybody else play that one? You know the one…where you start to present of all your really “good works” to God so that He can be reminded of how you’re a good Christian, not like those other guys. Am I the only one who plays that? Well, let me be the first to testify to how that game really doesn’t work when it’s lined up against the sovereignty, perfection, grace, power, and love of our God and creator of the universe, especially when you start being reminded of verses like this:
“I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” –John 15:5
It doesn’t get much more cut and dry than that. Apart from God I can do absolutely NOTHING! As I talked about in one of my first posts, God met me with a question when I first got here, “Do you believe I am truly enough?” God is not only enough for me, He is the anchor by which everything I do is either fruitful in the name of The Lord or worth nothing apart from Him. While that seems like such a simple concept, I can be the first to admit that before I came here, it was obviously one that I only believe in theory, not in action. If I truly believe these ideas, then the let-me-prove-my-righteousness-to-God game that I seem to love playing would be nonexistent. While it’s a game that my sinful nature loves to play, it is a game that I will always lose.
Presenting God with my “good works” is like trying to impress an artist with a photocopy of his own masterpiece and then taking credit for the artistry. My act of obedience in coming here was only a step of faith by the grace of God when he softened my heart and allowed me to say “Yes!” GOD called me to this mission, GOD created a desire in my heart to go, and GOD stirred my affections for the sweet girls who are here and GOD broke my heart for this country. I did NONE of those things of my own accord. The only thing I have contributed is rebellion, stubbornness, and constant questioning.
BUT this is just one more part of the never ending beauty of God; even through my rebellion, disobedience, constant question of why, and the sins of pride and selfishness, God still allowed me to be here. He chose to grow me here in some amazing ways, and He delights in using His children to show His beautiful and perfect love to the world. God does not need us. He does not need me here to show these girls love. He chose to. Plain and simple.
Why? I will probably never know. All I know is that this little game I love to play is a slap in the face to His sovereignty over my life. I pray that He will continually break me of that and allow me to more fully understand His sovereignty, grace, and inconceivable forgiveness over my life and my sinful heart.
Thank you so much to everyone reading this and keeping up with my blog (even though I don’t get to update as much as I would like)! Please continue to pray for the girls here that they will accept God’s love and be changed and used by Him in a radical and amazing way. Please pray also for my heart for the remainder of my time here. As I said, I am so ready to go home, but I love these girls so much. Pray that I will finish strong even though I am getting anxious to get home to my family, and pray that God will continue to use me in whatever way He chooses, whether I will ever see the outcome or not.
As I think back on all of those questions and more all I can do is smile because my ideas about what this trip was going to look like did not even have the slightest resemblance to how things have gone so far. God has truly given me a curiosity for things, and my preconceived notions are never what anything really turns out to be.
Right now, my heart has become its own contradiction. When I realize that I only have 2 weeks left, I can’t help but be overwhelmed with joy that in a very short amount of time I get to be reunited with my family, friends, and all of the people back home in Texas that have loved me and supported me through this entire process. At the same time, this afternoon during lunch as I looked around the table at all of these sweet girls that I have grown to love and adore, I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed with emotion that I really only have 2 weeks left with these girls; and there is a chance that I may never see their sweet, smiling faces again. I can’t deny that the thought of that just broke my heart. I leave The Oasis two weeks from today, and I already know that goodbyes are going to be so tough.
During my time here I have been going through 1 and 2 Corinthians. Last night, I read a verse that was very convicting and thought provoking from me.
“Let one who boasts, boast in the Lord. For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends.¨ -2 Corinthians 10:17-18
I remember right after reading that last night, The Holy Spirit met with a question: Do I commend God in Guatemala for His sovereignty in bringing me here, or do I commend myself for acting out in obedience towards Him?
If I am to be completely honest in answering that question, a lot of times the second option has more truth to it in my life. So many times, both in the year I had to prepare my heart, and the time that I have been here so far, too often I start to play the let-me-prove-my-righteousness-to-God game. Does anybody else play that one? You know the one…where you start to present of all your really “good works” to God so that He can be reminded of how you’re a good Christian, not like those other guys. Am I the only one who plays that? Well, let me be the first to testify to how that game really doesn’t work when it’s lined up against the sovereignty, perfection, grace, power, and love of our God and creator of the universe, especially when you start being reminded of verses like this:
“I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.” –John 15:5
It doesn’t get much more cut and dry than that. Apart from God I can do absolutely NOTHING! As I talked about in one of my first posts, God met me with a question when I first got here, “Do you believe I am truly enough?” God is not only enough for me, He is the anchor by which everything I do is either fruitful in the name of The Lord or worth nothing apart from Him. While that seems like such a simple concept, I can be the first to admit that before I came here, it was obviously one that I only believe in theory, not in action. If I truly believe these ideas, then the let-me-prove-my-righteousness-to-God game that I seem to love playing would be nonexistent. While it’s a game that my sinful nature loves to play, it is a game that I will always lose.
Presenting God with my “good works” is like trying to impress an artist with a photocopy of his own masterpiece and then taking credit for the artistry. My act of obedience in coming here was only a step of faith by the grace of God when he softened my heart and allowed me to say “Yes!” GOD called me to this mission, GOD created a desire in my heart to go, and GOD stirred my affections for the sweet girls who are here and GOD broke my heart for this country. I did NONE of those things of my own accord. The only thing I have contributed is rebellion, stubbornness, and constant questioning.
BUT this is just one more part of the never ending beauty of God; even through my rebellion, disobedience, constant question of why, and the sins of pride and selfishness, God still allowed me to be here. He chose to grow me here in some amazing ways, and He delights in using His children to show His beautiful and perfect love to the world. God does not need us. He does not need me here to show these girls love. He chose to. Plain and simple.
Why? I will probably never know. All I know is that this little game I love to play is a slap in the face to His sovereignty over my life. I pray that He will continually break me of that and allow me to more fully understand His sovereignty, grace, and inconceivable forgiveness over my life and my sinful heart.
Thank you so much to everyone reading this and keeping up with my blog (even though I don’t get to update as much as I would like)! Please continue to pray for the girls here that they will accept God’s love and be changed and used by Him in a radical and amazing way. Please pray also for my heart for the remainder of my time here. As I said, I am so ready to go home, but I love these girls so much. Pray that I will finish strong even though I am getting anxious to get home to my family, and pray that God will continue to use me in whatever way He chooses, whether I will ever see the outcome or not.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
The Wall
For this light momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. -1 Corinthians 4:17-18
As I sit here in my seventh week in Guatemala with six weeks behind me, I am facing a wall, a wall that I have been hitting since I landed at the airport in Guatemala City back in May. The wall that asks several questions: Why am I here? What does God want from me here? Why did He call me to this specific place in Guatemala? Those questions and several others have been on my mind since before this trip began, and, for the most part, I have yet to get an answer for any of them. Of course, I completely understand that the general purpose for this trip is to serve these girls at The Oasis and to be obedient to God’s purpose for me this summer. However, this wall is more about the question of specifics. How is serving these girls and portraying God’s love supposed to manifest itself in this internship? Anyone can come in and play with or tutor young girls, but how is that supposed to look in terms of God’s love?
As of now, I have only been able to build surface-level friendships with the girls here, and I am struggling to find opportunities to take those to a deeper level, partially because of the language barrier that still exists. Even though I have been here for a month and a half, I don’t see my Spanish improving enough to share a deep conversation. All of this just causes frustration and questions in my mind. I have yet to actually share the Gospel with any of these girls past sharing my testimony. As I go through everyday just playing with the girls and trying to get to know them better, there is always that same question in the back of my mind: What’s the point if I’m not sharing the Gospel?
It’s not that these girls haven’t heard the truth of God because they hear it all the time here, at school, and at church. I feel like I should be showing them what it actually looks like to live a life centered on the truth that they are hearing, but how can I do that if I don’t talk about it? These are all just frustrations that prove how small I am and how big God is. I seek Him everyday in trying to understand what my purpose is for this moment in time, but I also know that I have to have faith and trust that even if He does not reveal a perfect, black and white reason for this trip, and even if He does not allow me to see any fruit from my time here, I have to concern myself with being obedient to Him and trusting that He will use me whether I can see it or not.
I think part of my problem stems from the issue of pride. My sinful heart wants to be able to go back to the States and tell my family and friends about the trip in terms of my successes. Two things right off the bat (and so many more) are fundamentally wrong with that. The first is that any success that I do see here is not mine. It will just be God’s blessing on my life to be able to see Him working in a tangible way. If He allows me to see fruit in my time here, that has EVERYTHING to do with Him and NOTHING to do with me. If he doesn't allow me to see fruit here, that doesn't mean that this trip was a failure. The second is that this trip is not even a matter of success and failure but of love, service, and worship. If I use this time to serve the girls here, show them love, and ultimately use this time in my life to worship God, I can’t be worried about whether I was “successful.” God will use me in this time if and when He chooses, but my sinful, prideful nature still wants to take credit for any good thing that happens here. My pride just keeps telling me that I do not want to leave in 3 ½ weeks feeling like a failure.
The truth is that I already am a failure. As I have said in my support video, I fail in every area of my life every single day, and I have to ask God for forgiveness and grace in every aspect of my life. How did I think that my time here would be any different?
All I can do is pray, seek God, and wrestle with Him in the desert in these times of frustration and inability to fully understand my purpose here. I still don’t fully understand what it looks like to serve these girls in a way that displays the love of God as the driving force. All I can practically do is seek God, and wait on Him to guide me in this area every single day. I am sure I am not alone when I say, “Easier said than done!” God is growing my faith so much, even when it feels like I can barely hang on!
As always, please continue to pray for me with these things, and pray for the girls here. I am so excited to report that tonight I, along with the 3 other interns here, are leading a devotional for all of the girls. I am giving my part over Romans 8:38-39 which says, “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Please pray that as I share the truth of God’s unconditional love with these girls that their hearts will be open to accept His love, His grace, and His beautiful undeserved forgiveness in their lives.
I pray that even though I keep hitting this wall that God will continue to guide me and provide all of the strength I need. I am growing weary, and my time here is never going to be anything of value if I am not leaning on the Lord through the entirety of this trip. I love these sweet girls so much, and I so desperately want to see them fall in love with the Lord. I can only imagine how much more God wants that for them too.
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest in your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. –Matthew 11:28-30
As I sit here in my seventh week in Guatemala with six weeks behind me, I am facing a wall, a wall that I have been hitting since I landed at the airport in Guatemala City back in May. The wall that asks several questions: Why am I here? What does God want from me here? Why did He call me to this specific place in Guatemala? Those questions and several others have been on my mind since before this trip began, and, for the most part, I have yet to get an answer for any of them. Of course, I completely understand that the general purpose for this trip is to serve these girls at The Oasis and to be obedient to God’s purpose for me this summer. However, this wall is more about the question of specifics. How is serving these girls and portraying God’s love supposed to manifest itself in this internship? Anyone can come in and play with or tutor young girls, but how is that supposed to look in terms of God’s love?
As of now, I have only been able to build surface-level friendships with the girls here, and I am struggling to find opportunities to take those to a deeper level, partially because of the language barrier that still exists. Even though I have been here for a month and a half, I don’t see my Spanish improving enough to share a deep conversation. All of this just causes frustration and questions in my mind. I have yet to actually share the Gospel with any of these girls past sharing my testimony. As I go through everyday just playing with the girls and trying to get to know them better, there is always that same question in the back of my mind: What’s the point if I’m not sharing the Gospel?
It’s not that these girls haven’t heard the truth of God because they hear it all the time here, at school, and at church. I feel like I should be showing them what it actually looks like to live a life centered on the truth that they are hearing, but how can I do that if I don’t talk about it? These are all just frustrations that prove how small I am and how big God is. I seek Him everyday in trying to understand what my purpose is for this moment in time, but I also know that I have to have faith and trust that even if He does not reveal a perfect, black and white reason for this trip, and even if He does not allow me to see any fruit from my time here, I have to concern myself with being obedient to Him and trusting that He will use me whether I can see it or not.
I think part of my problem stems from the issue of pride. My sinful heart wants to be able to go back to the States and tell my family and friends about the trip in terms of my successes. Two things right off the bat (and so many more) are fundamentally wrong with that. The first is that any success that I do see here is not mine. It will just be God’s blessing on my life to be able to see Him working in a tangible way. If He allows me to see fruit in my time here, that has EVERYTHING to do with Him and NOTHING to do with me. If he doesn't allow me to see fruit here, that doesn't mean that this trip was a failure. The second is that this trip is not even a matter of success and failure but of love, service, and worship. If I use this time to serve the girls here, show them love, and ultimately use this time in my life to worship God, I can’t be worried about whether I was “successful.” God will use me in this time if and when He chooses, but my sinful, prideful nature still wants to take credit for any good thing that happens here. My pride just keeps telling me that I do not want to leave in 3 ½ weeks feeling like a failure.
The truth is that I already am a failure. As I have said in my support video, I fail in every area of my life every single day, and I have to ask God for forgiveness and grace in every aspect of my life. How did I think that my time here would be any different?
All I can do is pray, seek God, and wrestle with Him in the desert in these times of frustration and inability to fully understand my purpose here. I still don’t fully understand what it looks like to serve these girls in a way that displays the love of God as the driving force. All I can practically do is seek God, and wait on Him to guide me in this area every single day. I am sure I am not alone when I say, “Easier said than done!” God is growing my faith so much, even when it feels like I can barely hang on!
As always, please continue to pray for me with these things, and pray for the girls here. I am so excited to report that tonight I, along with the 3 other interns here, are leading a devotional for all of the girls. I am giving my part over Romans 8:38-39 which says, “For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Please pray that as I share the truth of God’s unconditional love with these girls that their hearts will be open to accept His love, His grace, and His beautiful undeserved forgiveness in their lives.
I pray that even though I keep hitting this wall that God will continue to guide me and provide all of the strength I need. I am growing weary, and my time here is never going to be anything of value if I am not leaning on the Lord through the entirety of this trip. I love these sweet girls so much, and I so desperately want to see them fall in love with the Lord. I can only imagine how much more God wants that for them too.
Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest in your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. –Matthew 11:28-30
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
WHOAAH! We're halfway there!
WHOAAH! Livin' on a prayer!
So today officially marks 5 weeks that I have been in Guatemala, the halfway point. Now that I have finally gotten used to life in Guatemala, it definitely does not feel like I have been here for 5 weeks. I also know that the last half of this internship is going to go by so fast!
We have a lot of stuff coming up that I am super excited about! This Saturday the three other interns and I are getting a day away from The Oasis, which all of us are really needing! We are going to climb Pacaya, the active volcano that erupted last May, and spend the day just marveling at God´s power in His creation. Needless to say, all of us are very excited! Next weekend, we are taking some of the older girls to a Christian music festival, Explo Music Fest, on Friday night; but I am probably most excited about that Saturday because I am making a day trip to Antigua (my favorite place in Guatemala so far) where I will get to see my sister who will be here from June 16-26 on a mission trip with The Village Church from Dallas. Getting to spend the day with my sister is going to be so wonderful! The next weekend all of the interns are taking a trip with the director of The Oasis and his family to Panajachel which is on Lake Atitlan. I have heard that it is absolutely beautiful, and I am going to love the relaxation!
With all of these awesome experiences taking up several of my weekends, I know that I am going to blink and the next 5 weeks will be over. No matter how great I feel here, it is still such a challenge. My biggest challenge right now is finding time to just be alone with The Lord and allow Him to restore me. I still catch myself trying to rely on my own strength sometimes, and I have to constantly check my heart to make sure that the love I am trying to show these girls is out of pure motives to glorify God, not to make myself feel good or righteous. As always, I miss home. I know being able to see Casey is going to be such a blessing from God, and I know I am going to enjoy that time so much!
God is refusing to let up on pounding my flesh and chiseling at my soul every single day. He has continually revealed sin in my life that basically revolves around pride, self-righteousness, and a lacking in faith. I never realized how much I tried to rely on myself before this trip and how little I understood that ¨my¨ strength is only provided by the grace of God. He is continually showing me how big He is and how small I am. I have been reading the Psalms, and it has been a beautiful encouragement! My time here will mean NOTHING if it is not powered by strength, grace, and love from the Lord. I am at awe everyday about His sacrifice on the cross and the grace that comes with that even when I ignore His sovereignty over my life.
I will close with an awesome story that is just a tangible example of an answered prayer: I had explained earlier in one of my posts about how the older girls had been taking a lot longer to warm up to me. One girl in particular wanted very little to do with me (the Oasis is trying to be very sensitive with posting names online so I will call her Dee). Dee lives in the house where I eat breakfast and dinner. She has been nice and polite, but had been keeping me at arms length. A couple of days ago, Lydia (another intern) and I were sitting outside singing a few worship songs in Spanish as she played her guitar. We started messing around with Revelation Song, which has a beautiful Spanish version. As we were singing Dee came up and asked if we could practice with her because she knew the song on the piano. Lydia played guitar, Dee played piano, and another Oasis girl and I sang. We ended up playing worships songs for almost 2 hours before dinner. It was a very sweet blessing. After dinner their youth pastor came over to pray over Dee. She has had back problems in the past, so we all prayed over her health. After the youth minister left she came and sat in my lap and laid her head on my shoulder. Neither of us said anything, and I just put my arms around her and hugged her. I had been praying that God would open up some sort of connection for us, so it was SO awesome to see that prayer answered.
I have so many stories already of God working here, and I feel SO blessed and SO humbled that God has given me the opportunity to see Him working in this place.
Please continue to pray for these sweet girls and for my time here to do nothing but glorify God!! Thank you to everyone who reads this, has been emailing me, and is praying for me. The support I have gotten has been SUCH an encouragement to me! This is definitely a very challenging, very tough time, but God is bringing me through it. His provision is always more than I ever deserve!
So today officially marks 5 weeks that I have been in Guatemala, the halfway point. Now that I have finally gotten used to life in Guatemala, it definitely does not feel like I have been here for 5 weeks. I also know that the last half of this internship is going to go by so fast!
We have a lot of stuff coming up that I am super excited about! This Saturday the three other interns and I are getting a day away from The Oasis, which all of us are really needing! We are going to climb Pacaya, the active volcano that erupted last May, and spend the day just marveling at God´s power in His creation. Needless to say, all of us are very excited! Next weekend, we are taking some of the older girls to a Christian music festival, Explo Music Fest, on Friday night; but I am probably most excited about that Saturday because I am making a day trip to Antigua (my favorite place in Guatemala so far) where I will get to see my sister who will be here from June 16-26 on a mission trip with The Village Church from Dallas. Getting to spend the day with my sister is going to be so wonderful! The next weekend all of the interns are taking a trip with the director of The Oasis and his family to Panajachel which is on Lake Atitlan. I have heard that it is absolutely beautiful, and I am going to love the relaxation!
With all of these awesome experiences taking up several of my weekends, I know that I am going to blink and the next 5 weeks will be over. No matter how great I feel here, it is still such a challenge. My biggest challenge right now is finding time to just be alone with The Lord and allow Him to restore me. I still catch myself trying to rely on my own strength sometimes, and I have to constantly check my heart to make sure that the love I am trying to show these girls is out of pure motives to glorify God, not to make myself feel good or righteous. As always, I miss home. I know being able to see Casey is going to be such a blessing from God, and I know I am going to enjoy that time so much!
God is refusing to let up on pounding my flesh and chiseling at my soul every single day. He has continually revealed sin in my life that basically revolves around pride, self-righteousness, and a lacking in faith. I never realized how much I tried to rely on myself before this trip and how little I understood that ¨my¨ strength is only provided by the grace of God. He is continually showing me how big He is and how small I am. I have been reading the Psalms, and it has been a beautiful encouragement! My time here will mean NOTHING if it is not powered by strength, grace, and love from the Lord. I am at awe everyday about His sacrifice on the cross and the grace that comes with that even when I ignore His sovereignty over my life.
I will close with an awesome story that is just a tangible example of an answered prayer: I had explained earlier in one of my posts about how the older girls had been taking a lot longer to warm up to me. One girl in particular wanted very little to do with me (the Oasis is trying to be very sensitive with posting names online so I will call her Dee). Dee lives in the house where I eat breakfast and dinner. She has been nice and polite, but had been keeping me at arms length. A couple of days ago, Lydia (another intern) and I were sitting outside singing a few worship songs in Spanish as she played her guitar. We started messing around with Revelation Song, which has a beautiful Spanish version. As we were singing Dee came up and asked if we could practice with her because she knew the song on the piano. Lydia played guitar, Dee played piano, and another Oasis girl and I sang. We ended up playing worships songs for almost 2 hours before dinner. It was a very sweet blessing. After dinner their youth pastor came over to pray over Dee. She has had back problems in the past, so we all prayed over her health. After the youth minister left she came and sat in my lap and laid her head on my shoulder. Neither of us said anything, and I just put my arms around her and hugged her. I had been praying that God would open up some sort of connection for us, so it was SO awesome to see that prayer answered.
I have so many stories already of God working here, and I feel SO blessed and SO humbled that God has given me the opportunity to see Him working in this place.
Please continue to pray for these sweet girls and for my time here to do nothing but glorify God!! Thank you to everyone who reads this, has been emailing me, and is praying for me. The support I have gotten has been SUCH an encouragement to me! This is definitely a very challenging, very tough time, but God is bringing me through it. His provision is always more than I ever deserve!
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